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Monday, August 2nd, 2004

Subject:nothing to say
Time:10:06 am.
Mood: hungry.
so, yeah, i work in corona again... a nanny....i hope to get hired at the sherriffs department.... still pregnant... 4 months now... lil peanut is movin around in my tummy.... its nice... marks still the ass he always was... i still love him, for reasons unexplained... but hey, not much else new with me.... i saw the village.... dont go see it, unless you wish to laugh at the "those we do not speak of" thay are comical in the sense of appearence....

well as for school, i dunno, i hoope i do something... a typing class or something of the sort.... well see...

im saving up the money for my baby... still living with mark and company... im fat... or have you noticed? baby is getting big.... any ideas for a name for a girl baby??? i dont like female names.... how about Mina.... hum, is that black? nothing ghetto please... how are you all? hows life been treating you? sara your last post about the movie date and the unicycling was just fucking funny, i laughed.... i like laughing, i dont do much of that anymore....

jason you look so cute in your photo.... i miss you so much...

anthony... well... i hope someday youll move on and forget things and realize im not how i was... i still and always have loved you... hope you danced your ass off at vip, i almost went there a few weeks ago, but we decided to go home and sleep, it was 1am at the time... slims brother is gay now, well not now, he just sorta came out.... and and his sex partner wanted company to the club one saturday! you remember slim? from mcdonalds? okay...

wheres shaun? hows the modeling.... acting.... looking goooood thing? i love you too....

okay.... thats it.... jennifer, whered you go.... at 4am you should be at home.... not out runnin those streets... oh well, you missed out on an entertaining me...

i cant wait for the seinfeld dvd to come out.... i just ordered a poster of kraemer and george, the night at the opera....its wonderful!

im off to eat now.... i want a pickle though... i big fat juicy khosher pickle.... yum...
I Predict 3 Deluding Promises - Join The Prophecy.

Friday, February 13th, 2004

Subject:and so what?
Time:9:42 am.
Mood: happy.
yeah...hear i be! this is me, the wonderful...

so kris... gone.... months ago... he was a screw up... mother fucker! and now... its me... and mark...

who would have thought mark would come back in the picture? hes my love... god i love this guy, all my feelings from last year came jumping back in... hes changed... a better man... hes so ... just mmmmmmhmhmhmhmm.... still a bit spoiled, but hes becoming something, hes making a man of himself, maybe cause of my help... his mommy loves me! i stay there now... i live there... me and his mom go shopping and shit... go to the mall.... we hang out! its cool.... shes so fucking funny... mark officially asked me out on the 25th of january...his birthday mind you! he takes me out, treats me with respect and im almost like royalty to him, we do the hot tub thing... hes just good to me.... still a bit nervous about the trust thing, but it seems pure.... not holding anything back this time.... going out there....

my sisters wedding in in two weeks.... we'll be at las vegas, she getting married at the paris hotel, its like a 6,000 dollar wedding... its gonna beautiful... and everyone is gonna stay at the new aladdin hotle next door to the paris hotel, except the bride and groom, they get a suiet at the paris hotel.... mark already paid for our room at the aladdin... this is gonna be wonderful! this will be the first time i ever done this with anyone.... me and him have our own room up at the aladdin... king size bed... oh yeah... our relationship is so grown... im moving on to adult things here... no more high school bull shit... although marks immiture high school shit leaks out every now and again... but i slap him back to reality and show him that these are in the past, what we share is going to be mature and responsible.... he wants to marry me... that wouldnt be aweful... it wouldnt be anything but the best really... hes my man, i love him... and in a small summary, i feel the passion rise up... i love this boy... i liked him so much before... and yeah... my life is complete.... i have been just fine... i got over the initial shock of being alone, without friends... joni helped me realize that i'm fine... shes great, always has been, still has her flaws, but then what would she be if she didnt.... shit what would i be if i didnt have any flaws.... and as you all look at it, im nothing but a flaw... so anyway... just catching up on here... doubt ill continue regularily, much too busy.... but ive got a car on the way... what should i get.... itll be brand spankin new thats for sure!!!

i miss mark... i left his house this morning... i wont be out thtere on valentines day, my first time having a boyfriend on valentines day and i cant even spend it with him... but we celebrated it last friday... he took me to see barber shop 2.... that shit was great!!! funny stuff i tell ya! hes my friend, my best friend... and thats how it should be.... he gave me a bracelet, with engraving.... its just about the most precious thing anyone has ever gotten me... he says he loves me... its engraved that he does... its all mad sexy too on my wrists... im in love you guys... someones treating me right.... hes not flaky like kris... he calls me daily to say hello... and his family loves me around... thats the best part... mom wants me to marry her son... and mark lost weight... hes sexy... always was cute to me... everyone thought otherwise...well his eye... but now i find out its because of his eye surgery... he has to wait for the scab to heal... but its not even noticable... and i didnt notice it untill anthony made a deal over it... im hoping this is it... im hoping i wont need to be single anymore... im hoping i can marry this man because hell take care of me, hell have the means to do so as well...

everything is going good, parents love me, sister just called me to say she loved me, and work is awesome, im going skating with the kids this monday, its a nonstudent day... ill get paid extra this friday, $825, and then this will be coming with me to las vegas.... im spending hard out there! i bought sexy night wear... thigh high stockings and straps.... ooooh yeah.... thats right, im getting dressed up for the occation, i bought my dress last month, it was $100, its sexy, black and white... i need heals to match now, and i need to call right now to make a hair appt... things are looking up in my life.... well, not looking up, but just already there.... i hevent felt so good in forever.... i mean really.... im happy, satisfied.... purely on a roll...

jason, saw the photos...i miss you, youre my sexy boy... sorry about the apc tickets... ill wait till the next tour out here, then i will purchase us tickets... front seat... i didnt want to purchase them cause they were all too far back... and its not worth it to me!

anthony, you sound so unhappy, i hope you feel better, im sorry you say you sound like "me"... i know i can be dramatic, but hey, im not like that anymore, havent been for a long time... i hoe things work out, and congrats on your relationship, how i miss you as well... i've written you, but never send them out, dont think you want to read anything from me anyhow...

and shaun... i laugh when you said three vaccumes.... it was funny.... hope things are good for you... when you moving out here? i wanna know! i miss you.... take care...

jennifer, how could i not miss you? not that you care at all... sounds like you could use a friend... or not... never know with you... stop being so ugh.... what happened to your other side.... tell her to come out and bring on the joy... take time to heal... take time to yourself for a change... instead of dealing with everyone elses bull shit... and im happy youre working.... good going! youre up and moving... tell greg i said hello... hope your relationship brings out the best in both you...

sara! hi! you didnt update much... but sounds like schools coming along... i wish i knew more about youre current affairs, but i dont... hope youre happy, and i hope you are doing just fine!

anyone else? stephaine! i saw a post from you! its been days... i think ive got your phone number on my cell... im gonna call you soon... damn, ive been so busy... clean and pure...

joni, where you at? call me fool! the race tracks need our assistance! we should all go soon.... although i work all this weekend and next weekend! damn! but im off this coming tuesday, ill be with mark....always with mark....i dont really wanna be anywhere else but at his house eating sweet and crunchy peanuts... watching family guy and seinfield... me and mark share all the same humor.... i think found the one... i think this time is gonna right... ive gotta be positive right... my parents like him too... hell they all invited him to go to the wedding... my man... thats all for now... oh yeah, i should call jasmine! i miss her so much...my hot girl!

until next time you all... dont hesitate to call me up, 909 454 9196.... or text me.... or whatever... im here for ya!
I Predict 4 Deluding Promises - Join The Prophecy.

Sunday, January 4th, 2004

Subject:kris in a heartbeat...
Time:3:42 pm.
Mood: drained.
so i went to see that kid out in apple vallley.... mistake...we wont go there.... lets just say.... NO!

but last night i played cranium with the fellow adults...family and friends!!! it was awsome... i loved it!!! yes i did! till about ten...then i awaited my call from my "date"... kris... and sure enough he did call... about twenty minutes late, but i held my ground and didnt desperatly call him first...i awaited for him to make the choice... and he chose well... it was great... fun... he makes me feel so good about me... he says the greatest things to me, about being proud of me and happy for me and just....ahhh.... and then we hung out at matts house... this other matt... with a kid matt.... and then went on back to kris's.... where jason, joeys bro was more than happy to see me... wowy! and so we talked to him for some time.... then we went to watch a movie up in kris's "treehouse" (so he calls it) and cuddled... kissed.... then i got nervous and pulled back a little...then we fell asleep... then i wondered why i was nervous...told myself to fuckin get over it.... and then we- yeah- thats right.... it was goooood..... i mean GREAT... i like this character.... hes good to me... then this morning we went to breakfast.... and then i had to leave by like 9am cause i had to work today, which is where im at right now...all up in corona... my kids are back... yay! i need to start up dinner... i go home again tonight...dont have to dome back till wednsday...possibly tuesday evening if there isnt anything going on....which there wont be cause kris works....hes an opener at micky dees... how depressing, but ya what? he loves his job...like i did.... when i worked there... only untill they put me with people... he just does maintenence... which is easy and hes lucky as hell that micky dees is under new management cause he gets paid madd bucks for his job.... not like keo ever did.... and he has these discount cards and things.... cool actually.... we got boba last night... he had never had it...so i showed him the ropes... i hadnt had me a boba in a good hot minute.... and let me telll you it was soooooooo fucking good!!!! and thats about it.... im happpy and ok with things right now...i have a friend... a few it seems.... lets keep it up... and whats good is hes all off shit... which i admire in him.... not that its all good to be talking to the drugies....but hes way different, ya know? besides, theres always room in me to give someone a nother try....he never screwed me over....

hey jason....nice pictures...i love then...alll black and white.... you look reallly good.... now go get them bitches foo!
I Predict 1 Deluding Promise - Join The Prophecy.

Friday, January 2nd, 2004

Subject:and it never seemed this lonely before
Time:1:05 pm.
Mood: lonely.
so like...im supposed to be cleaning my ass off right now for pay... but i dont feel much like scrubing...i did however do most on her list.... but oh well...

anyhow... well it seems as though all of you are doing good... went to anthonys house last night... hoping to see my friends.... but then how it turns out that my "friends" are not exactly "friends" anymore huh? i dunno... maybe something was done wrong here... should i have just went home... not even bothered to visit... maybe... i know now... oh well... i still had entrusted some type of dedicatioon to friends... alas... isnt this always how it ends up? i dont know what exactly it was i did to bring it about, but i just became the "unwanted visitor".... hum... it hurt real bad last night.... and still hurt this morning.... and still hurts now... but im getting used to the thought of having no one... maybe jason will still linger around... for i hope so... jasmine is there a little... i just have to bring them up... there isnt much else to my social world... kris... hes there.... but i dunno... i just dont know.... im looking around on myspace.... i went to see joni and jenny... jenny seemed real happy to see me... it made me feel so good... good enough to go see anthony and them.... but as we see that didnt turn out well at all... i dunno these days anymore... i just dont know what to do for myself... i figure it shouldnt matter because i tried so hard to better me and my life... and then got shot in the end anyway.... ill find other people.... only i can never replace the feelings i have for them that have been built from many years.... alll that trusted devotion and love.... lost now... something in me says sadness.... something in me says fuck it...
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Wednesday, December 24th, 2003

Subject:i almost forgot i had a live journal...
Time:1:03 am.
Mood: grateful.
man, its been too long since ive had any kind of contact with the out side world... little over a month now i suppose... ha ha... i tried to read everyones journals, catch up ya know, but my friends page wouldnt go back any further... so i am missing shit...hum...oh well...

so like im up... here in corona... cant sleep... the chinchilla i bought my sister for christmas keeps me up at nights... she was an expensive little runt too... $120... plus the expences of her living materials- $193... yeah... i had $800 two weeks ago for my christmas spending and i spent every last drop of it... on my dad, mom, sis, leah and craig, and then the three kids... who could guess?

im feeling really good these days... smiling when i wake up each day... becoming friends with my sis... last week i drove out to highland to see her at work and then go out to eat lunch on her lunch break... it was really nice...

i cant believe how things are looking up right now. i mean i dont feel miserable anymore. leah and craig and corona have been so good for me... now all i need is my medical to come through... yep, ive been all responsible out here... paying bills and what not... changing my address and all... this is my home... i feel really good out here... the escape of regular pain i have... my life as ive never known it to be... i got my BMG cds up in the mail last week... been listening to the bjork six disc box set i got... the same i bought anthony last year for an outstanding $85 and i only had to spend $16 for mine! what a bitch... lol... i cant get over how much i love this woman for this box set! and right now i am listening to my sade cd... the one i had borrowed from ketchi a year ago...now i own it!! lol...

i havent talked to anyone in so long... hum... do you miss me? i dont think so... my mom said greg kept calling this one day... she called me out here to give me his number... ha ha... but i didnt think to call him back cause i didnt he really had anything to say to me... thought maybe he was lost... lol... i've been thinking about anthony lately... missing my friend... thought a lot about joni... not that any of that matters to anyone... shaun crossed my mind... thought about how he said he was supposed to move out here... and wondering just where at now... cause im here!! i have christmas cards for everyone... jennifers and the felders are in the mail... but i dont have anyone elses address... so damn... lol... this is the second christmas ive gone through without friends... only this time im actualy happy... ha! yeah, sorry guys no more depressed drowning amber! shes all good... i miss the social life a bit... though, could it be that its part of the reason why im happy now? it gets a little stressful out here at times cause the kids have their bad moments and things...ya know? well tomorrow i am gonna bake and decorate sugar cookies for santa with the kids all day!! ha ha!! i love them... i really love... about as much as i do david... only i dont see david anymore... armon, aryana, and roya... my little friends... the give me hugs and kisses and make me pictures... and tell me they love me and that im pretty! lol... my family!!! leah is like a good friend... shes really good to me.. and craig is so funny.... they are so interesting! i just dont have anyone to "talk" to... ya know? i dont have a friend to go gossip with and really joke with... leah and craig are friends, but they are my bosses as well, and its different... and so ive been focusing on my sister! i love her so much, and wonder why i never talked to her more often! i cant wait till tomorrow night... im gonna leave to my house in moval for christmas dinner with my family and we are gonna exchange gifts then cause we dont want to have to drive all those presents out to my grandmas christmas morning! itll be me, my sis, her boyfriend, mom, dad, and i think donna! im looking forward to it... i did my hair all up today, and i got my outfit planned out...i hang out with my mom too... when i was out there this weekend i spent it with her... and we went to see my sisters apt all decorated...lol... she can decorate too!

well ill be home this weekend, but i go back out here next week, even though the kids wont be here for the two weeks she asked if i wanted to come out and do some detailed cleaning for pay... cause she knows i need the money... thats three hundred bucks to clean an already spic-n-span house!! lol... damn this lady is awesome... they told me that they dont consider paying me a "salary", but rather a "aloence"...

not that any of that matters to you guys... i missed out on somethings... like matts bday and jasons bday and a few other dates at which i wish i wouldnt have missed! but a working woman has priorities to take care of...especially when shes got responsibilities to attend to. so this year for christmas leah and craig get me a brand new cell.... yep!! the put me on a $60 a month plan... why? who needs 3000 minutes to talk? lol... they figure a 19 year old has friends to use it with right? ha ha! little do they know! lol! so they have it on a one year lease, and they are gonna pay for it all year... untill the lease is up... DAMN what kind of gift is that? and the cell is all updated and high class... blue lights!!! lol... it does lights!! and colors!! and its free!! for a year its fucking free!!! lol... ha! oh my god, do you guys no how much my life has improved because of these two people and the opportunity they gave me to work here in their home!??!?!!! so, heres my new number... (909) 454-9196 call me, the phone never turns off... cause ive got timers set so i leave it on as it charges at night... but someoone... anyone call me... its free for me!!! lol!!! although im not sure about the text... lol... but yeah... i would love to get some calls from you guys...and hang out or something... no one calls me or anything.... you guys forget about me? or is it the other way? i havent even thought about boys... noticed a few... theres the virtual teller at rccu, and the bag boy at albertsons out here... but thats about it... still no dates... still no new friends... still no social advancements... i am trying to work on joining the gym... meet some guys there and get fit there... if i went online more often i could check out the many many guys who track me down on myspace.... but i never go on... well i do... i go on their computer... it has dsl... and i just dont go to aol to use the express buddy list... not really a reason to cause i havent talked to anyone in years! but i miss you guys... maybe ill go on to myspace and meet some one now... hum... who knows... i just spend most my time relaxing and enjoying myself... for once enjoying me! enjoying my life and my family...

well, thats all thats new here i guess... i have a few moments when i wanna just break down and cry cause i miss some of you just too too much... like if im driving somewhere and im playing a cd that hits the memory spot for someone, i do feel bad... but yeah... cant do much to help it out huh? i send my love and heart out to you guys... do call... anytime...right now!!! lol good night yall...
I Predict 1 Deluding Promise - Join The Prophecy.

Monday, November 17th, 2003

Subject:god damn man
Time:1:12 pm.
Mood: confused.
So, im back… yeah where have I been? I dunno… but I have had lots of fun I know! Saturday night I went to Tijuana!! It was awesome man!! It was so much fucking fun I tell ya! You should’ve been there…. I went with my friend Jennifer Greg… we all had a n awesome time… got drunk… partied…. It was great… we danced… it was too much fun… I cant even tell all the things that happened… how we got felt up by Mexicans… and how Jennifer threw up all over herself… and how I found myself somehow being all “friendly” with greg…. Hum… I dunno what to say…lol… but it was great! And yeah… he’s still all normal around me…which is good… I was thinking he might be an as about things… but yeah he hasn’t been so like im good… I dunno what to think… maybe I just shouldn’t… maybe I should go on with my life and pretend like nothing happened, because maybe it was nothing… I don’t wanna be all trashy about it… so I wont… im gonna look over here now… any suggestions?
Anyhow, for better news ive had the greatest weekend in like forever… I seriously had so much fun… and I hope I keep having fun… I haven’t been online at all… and im in corona… so yeah… but hopefully ill find more time… out in corona I cant go online regularly to update and chat and keep in touch with those I would like to! But just so you all know, I love you… and please don’t forget about… I miss talking to everyone.. And yeah… I promise to try to get online more… and shit… anyhow…
I Predict 2 Deluding Promises - Join The Prophecy.

Wednesday, November 5th, 2003

Subject:and i am here..
Time:10:51 pm.
Mood: refreshed.
its really lovely out here! i love it! i am really having a great time, and i am so glad im here... its relaxing ya know... but yeah, its all good...

so yo all liked the get low song? thats great lacy, i know its twerk, but i didnt realize the lyrics i got were wrong, i didnt read them that closly ya know... we need to go to a club together lacy and groove together.... and sara you can come get low as well...and jason, ya betta blieve you gonna STOP... ohhhh, then WIGGLE IT... lmao, i am so good arent i?

man i am really glad i gotthis job, i am like jut on vacation ya know? well i miss you guys, and ill be seeing you all soon, and i can use the phone and go online as well, so ill get to talk to you guys as well... muah and yay!
I Predict 1 Deluding Promise - Join The Prophecy.

Tuesday, November 4th, 2003

Subject:this is the best laugh ive had in a ood long time!!!
Time:7:56 am.
Mood: amused.
inmates being served shit!! his is too fucking funny!
human faeces found in prison chili

this is what happens to people who do too much speed!
the guinea pig spy

this is the best news site ive seen yet!! and they are all completely true stories too!!! this is great!
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Subject:i know they are lyrics, but i know you guys will love thati posted this trash!! this song ROCKS!!!
Time:7:23 am.
Mood: dirty.
"Get Low"

3,6,9 standing real fine move it to you sing it to me one mo time
Get low, Get low 6x
To the window, to the wall, (to dat wall)
To the sweat drip down my balls (MY BALLS)
To all these bitches crawl (crawl)
To all skit skit motherfucker (motherfucker!) all skit skit got dam (Got dam)
To all skit skit motherfucker (motherfucker!) all skit skit got dam (Got dam)

Shortie crunk so fresh so clean can she fuck that
Question been harassing me in the mind this bitch is fine
I done came to the club about 50th 11 times now can I play with yo
Paine line club owner said I need to calm down security guard go to sweating
Me now nigga drunk then a motherfucker threaten me now

She getting crunk in the club I mine she work
Then I like to see the female twerking taking the clothes off BUCKEY naked
ATL. Hoe don’t disrespect it
Pa pop yo pussy like this cause yin yang twins in this bitch

Lil Jon and the East side boys wit me and we all like to see Ass and tities
Now bring yo ass over here hoe and let me see you get low if you want this Thug
Now take it to the floor (to the floor) and if yo ass wanta act you can keep yo ass where you at

Get low, Get low [6x]
To the window, to the wall, (to dat wall)
To the sweat drip down my balls (MY BALLS)
To all these bitches crawl (crawl)
To all skit skit motherfucker (motherfucker!) all skit skit got dam (Got dam)
To all skit skit motherfucker (motherfucker!) all skit skit got dam (Got dam)

Let me see you get low you scared you, scared you
Drop dat ass to the floor you scared you, scared you
Let me see you get low you scared you, scared you
Drop dat ass to the floor you scared you, scared you
Drop dat ass ya shake it fast ya
Pop dat ass to the left and the right ya
Drop dat ass ya shake it fast ya
Pop dat ass to the left and the right ya
Now back,back,back it up
a back,back,back it up
a back,back,back it up
a back,back,back it up

Now stop ( O) then wiggle wit ya
Now stop ( O) then wiggle wit ya
Now stop ( O) then wiggle wit ya
Now stop ( O) then wiggle wit ya

Get low, Get low [6x]
To the window, to the wall, (to dat wall)
To the sweat drip down my balls (MY BALLS)
To all these bitches crawl (crawl)
To all skit skit motherfucker (motherfucker!) all skit skit got dam (Got dam)
To all skit skit motherfucker (motherfucker!) all skit skit got dam (Got dam)

Now give me my doe back and go get ya friend
Stupid bitch standing there while I’m drinking my hen
Steady looking at me Still asking questions
Times up nigga pass me another contestant
Hoe move to the left if you ain’t bout 50th
Done talk through 3 or 4 songs already
looking at a nigga with yo palm all out bitch I ain’t even seen you dance
Twerk something baby work something baby
Pop yo pussy on the pole do yo thang baby
Slide down dat bitch
wit yo little bit then stop
Get back on the floor catch yo balance then drop
Now bring it back up clap yo ass like hands
I just wanna see yo ass drity dance yin yang we done again
And put it on the map like annnnn

Get low, Get low [6x]
To the window, to the wall, (to dat wall)
To the sweat drip down my balls (MY BALLS)
To all these bitches crawl (crawl)
To all skit skit motherfucker (motherfucker!) all skit skit got dam (Got dam)
To all skit skit motherfucker (motherfucker!) all skit skit got dam (Got dam)

Got dam (Got dam) ya ya’ll twreking alittle bit ladies
But ya got to twrek alittle bit harder then dat
now right now I need all the ladies dat know they look good tonite
(where my sexy ladies) we want ya’ll to do this shit like this
Bend over to the front touch toes back dat ass up and down and get low (get low)
Bend over to the front touch toes back dat ass up and down and get low (get low)
Bend over to the front touch toes back dat ass up and down and get low (get low)
Bend over to the front touch toes back dat ass up and down and get low (get low)

Get low, Get low [6x]
To the window, to the wall, (to dat wall)
To the sweat drip down my balls (MY BALLS)
To all these bitches crawl (crawl)
To all skit skit motherfucker (motherfucker!) all skit skit got dam (Got dam)
To all skit skit motherfucker (motherfucker!) all skit skit got dam (Got dam)
I Predict 5 Deluding Promises - Join The Prophecy.

Thursday, October 30th, 2003

Time:12:48 pm.
Mood: hopeful.
So like I talked to Kris… he’s so awesome…still such a sweetie… I told him about Erick, just a little, just that Erick was done, and just didn’t have really any kind of real reason to be done as well…and kris tried to tell me a little about him as much as he knew to be true… kris is real sweet… Jennifer thought he might be an ass to me, but he wasn’t. trixie said a few months ago when I was doing Erick things that kris told her he found someone else… but when I talked to him he didn’t seem that way… he was just all like “oh I missed you, and wanted to call you so many times, but I didn’t know what to say… and then trixie said you were with Erick…and yeah” lol.. I think trixie got hers mixed up, or maybe he said that to her in spite of his pride… lol… or there could’ve been someone else… considering the fact that I was so screwed up that he ran off… lol I don’t blame him…I mean I was so nasty then... You guys just don’t even know how dirty I was… my mood swings were like triple action…. Bi polar through the roof man… it was horrible… that’s what kris and I talked about as well… I talked about how stupid I was, and how I messed up everything… and he said the greatest thing, even though it shouldn’t matter much, it just does… he said “all the time I’ve known you, from the very first moment, even when you claim you were ‘at your worst’ I have never thought anything lower of you, I’ve always had the best thoughts of you in mind…” ahhh!! Awwww!!!! How great! Well, so like this makes me feel good only because he boosted my ego… which isn’t that big…and unfortunately I don’t have anyone else that does this… not even my friends do this…well maybe every now and then they will, but that’s not often… so when someone says something nice, ill feed on it, yes I will…unless they are black…and just dirty…just so nasty and filthy…lol…lmao…

So there is this new guy on friendster…he lives in LA… he’s all tool about it…he is currently making a animation for lateralus… how cool is that…but he is currently still trying to get privileges to the song and what not to use it and such!!! I need to meet him… he has a lady and all but oh ell… he can be my friend…I just sent him a message and he sent one back…I’ve got friends… lol…well trying to make them and such I should say…

I don’t know what to do about kris though. He said I should come hang out with the “hommies”…but I know what that means…he said some other things along with such… cause I told him I was hangin out with all my old groupies again, and he was just like “naw, that’s cool and all but I want you to come out with me and drive around and such and we came hang out like the old days and chill with the hommies…the cool ones..” lol... It was funny… he said something like that…in some way… but yeah, it wasn’t like that, not that stupid…he said it way more privileged… lol… he’s a good guy… but I just don’t wanna be up around the shit… exposure to shit is gonna be horrid… but I miss him and the guys… they were all cool, but it wont be nearly the same if im not all shittin’ it up as well, at least I believe it wouldn’t… maybe not… but I don’t know what I want to do…id like to see kris and hang with him, just not everyone else…really…just so I don’t fall back in where I came so far out of… I crawled on my hands and knees to get away from that shit, and I have battle scars to prove it…I told kris that…a and he was all sweet and proud... I told him I might get that job, and he wished me lots of luck… he wanted me to continue school and shit before, he begged me... Literally begged me to stay, but I quit anyway…now that I talked to him again, he still is persistent that I go back to school…I told him I had the interview, and he was like “that’s god, now what about school… you need to be in it… for the better of you!” he is a good guy, he’s like troy…ya know troy from work…we all loved her…she’s great, and she a tweeker just the same… lol…kris said he smoked her out with some chronic…and all she needed was one or two hits and she was flying…lol…lmao! It was funny! He and her a are good buds or something now I guess...prolly hang out sometimes and shit… well… I dunno…

Anyway… boredom… I guess ill go eat again… this how I get fat… but when I leave home I wont be eating as much, cause I know ill be too shy to be all up in these peoples cubbords and things… and so yeah… not to mention I doubt they will have allt he snacks and goodies my mom keep in here… and I cant eat there like I eat here… and in a month maybe I should have enough money to start some kind of 24 hour fitness shit… oh yeah…I’ve got those ballys passes… that’ll be cool huh? I need to exercise… lose some weight… I’ve picked up about 20lbs again… my world breaking 139 went up to 155... Ugh…eww… that’s ugly man! Lol… it really is so disgusting… anyway…I’ve said enough…and I doubt anyone read this entry all the way through anyway… muah my loves…I love all of you…

Halloween is tomorrow… I want candy damn it… DAMN IT!! Lol… hum… what are we doing this year you guys…
I Predict 1 Deluding Promise - Join The Prophecy.

Time:12:47 pm.
Mood: contemplative.
I get up every day about fucking 3 or 4 am… why? I sleep quite early as well…well… not really… I go to bed around 9 to sometimes 12...just depends on whether or not I stay out late with my friends… but lately I’ve been coming home early…cause there isn’t just anything else to do… they all love to play ps2 and the sorts, and Id just rather go home is all.. Lmao, boring I know, but I just don’t like sitting and playing games like that…its was better when we had our card games…that was somewhat entertaining…I guess video games aren’t my pick, when I was younger they were, but I guess because I don’t play them like I used to I just rather not play period… anyhow… its like 9:30... And yeah…I’ve been watching movies…and now I went up on the computer and played games on it… no not my usual minesweeper or FreeCell, but some free trial shits up on here…and played this yahtzee game I have available…lol

So I got hired everyone!! Yay!!! Yay for me!! Hip hip hooray!!! I am so god…yes I know… it’s a nanny job… this lady and her boyfriend want an “addition” to their family, someone who will take care of things for their three children… Leah, the mother, is going through a divorce and she lives in this big ass house up in corona! Its beautiful… Craig, the boyfriend, lives with her… they both work and need someone to watch the kids while they are working! Come on! How easy is this? So like there is the six year old twins, a boy, armon, and the girl, ayona, then the four year old, royal… I’ve only met the four year old! But I start tomorrow… Friday…at 7am… and I get to work with Craig’s sister to learn how everything is done! The twins are in school till 3:30 everyday, and youngest goes to preschool m/w/f till about 11:30... So I really have little work… and then craig gets home around 5 or 6 every night, and the job is only four days a week… Tuesday thru Friday! And I get paid $300 a week… every two weeks… my first check is gonna pay off all my debts… Yay!!

Oh shit… I just got a call from the ambulance people… my “account” with them is due… and they need to know my insurance… lol…too bad I lack it! I told her I would be moving out of my parents house this Friday and that I should apply for medical then… lol… I just have to call them or send proof of medical when I get it (hopefully) the bill is going to be enormous…damn… you guys have no idea… but yeah…I owe big time… seriously… I really owe money to people… lets tally…

IRS ~ $350
RCCU ~ $250
Albertson’s ~ $100
BMG ~ $3

And now I may end up owing the hospital and ambulance folks…and because the fire department came as well, I believe ill be owing them as well… ugh….just ugggghhhh…. Who has to owe so much? I think that’s it… I think…
Anyhow… I should be able to pay off my bills quick… I need to call Albertson’s before they send my checks to collections… shit man… and the IRS wants to levy items…. And my parents expect $200 this first pay check… well I think because I am working an extra day (this Friday) I may be getting more… but whose to say… I like the family, leah is so nice and really awesome… I have the car back too, well at least I will when I start on Friday, I suppose that’s what will happen… but now I don’t have gas… so tonight, I believe ill be staying in the house, because I need to get up at like 4am, for sure and take showers and things so I can be all up on the free way at some 5am… so I wont be late…ya know the traffic will be horrid…so yeah… I cant be late… 7am in corona… that’s the time… so yeah… if I go out I have to be home early…I’ve been home early all this week anyway. This one other day wont make much a difference…
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Tuesday, October 28th, 2003

Subject:this is nasty...
Time:6:06 pm.
Mood: bored.
My LiveJournal Trick-or-Treat Haul
Bloodycake goes trick-or-treating, dressed up as Mother Mary.
braincompost gives you 5 red peach-flavoured nuggets.
casualtiesofsex tricks you! You get a rock.
devil_of_punk gives you 15 white chocolate-flavoured nuggets.
earthlyone gives you 12 light yellow tropical-flavoured pieces of taffy.
goshthissucks gives you 15 light orange orange-flavoured gummy fruits.
motion51 tricks you! You lose 8 pieces of candy!
poopsikel gives you 7 white raspberry-flavoured gummies.
randomnudity tricks you! You lose 35 pieces of candy!
thinkhardretard tricks you! You get a button.
villainousvile gives you 16 orange pineapple-flavoured gumdrops.
Bloodycake ends up with 27 pieces of candy, a rock, and a button.
Go trick-or-treating! Username:
Another fun meme brought to you by rfreebern.

why did anthony take all of my candy? sara... a button? come on now! a rock from joni... well well well... damn lol! everyone else knows how to treat me! shit! well... except for those white chocolate-flavoured nuggets... nasty! and i dont do light orange orange-flavoured gummy fruits...

I Predict 3 Deluding Promises - Join The Prophecy.

Tuesday, October 21st, 2003

Subject:and damn...
Time:6:26 pm.
Mood: optimistic.
so...im back...ive failed....its good to see some people said things to me... i just ended up in long aching 11 hours in the county hospital for the overdose... had to take some charcoal down...spent some time in the ETS... got out quickly tho and lied my ass off to do so... yeah who ever the fuck was the "annonomyous" bitch who couldnt tell me their name was just stupid...no one wanted a story and fuck you...

anyhow, i realize it wasnt the brightest thing to do... and i had my doubts... but at that moment in time when i posted it... i was really fucked over... my parents are kicking me out... well, still, and i may have to attend some kind of homeless shelter christ center for wemon shit... where ill be ripped away from any world i know... and so it sucks... life always sucks, but theres nothing i can do about it, just try to cope... but because ive been so fucked up on vicodine and ibuprophen i couldnt think straight anymore... not that my thinking has ever been straight... i came back from ETS to see that my mother has thrown away the most precious keepsakes of mine...things ive saved over that past three fucking years!!!! and it hurt me so bad...but all i could do was swallow it... and now EVERYTHING is packed up in boxes...LITERALLY... in boxes...i have a tv... a clock... and my two lamps... also a fan... thats it!!! everything is gone! they wont let me have anything... alllllllllll my god damned cds!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MY FUCKING CDSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! fuck!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK! fuck!!!! i need tool, i need apc...i need my music period!!! but damn.... id started writing that goodbye note about two weeks ago on my laptop... sorry for all the shit... i had planned on doing so... i took about over 70 random pills around 1pm...fell asleep and woke up about 6pm... but when i woke up i rolled over... the biggest mistake... i fucking rolled over... and so the shifting of my body caused me to throw up... and then i was so pissed off, yet heavily taken out by the ones already digested, that i just ran a bath and took the only razor i had, this rusted piece of shit that only made mere paper cuts (id call them) upon my wrist and tried achingly bad to go... but then i went back into my room and about 8pm my mom came in and i wasnt very responsive so she called 911... the fire trucks came...the neighbors where out and standing and watching as they took me away... but im fine now... mentally still upset, but my body is going through those detox reactions and yeah... charcoal is nasty ass shit... just nasty!!! sorry to all those who actually gave a damn... but yeah, i know what i did wasnt the best of way to deal or handle... but thats one of my biggest probs... coping... and so yeah... i dont have my laptop or anything, i am at my buddy matts house and chillin here with jennifer and hanging out with people who have no idea what happened... good times id say... i hate life... but i cant just go out like that... but then, theres sometimes just nothing else to help... i dunno... ill miss you guys up on lj... i dont know when ill be able to update again... but yeah... ill try everytime im out here down by matts.... but i dunno how long i have till ive got till i am forced to go to that christ shit... they go to church three times a week... and have the morning prayer at 6:30am every fucking day!!! ugh... but itll be the only resort...otherwise ill really be out on the streets...and that cant happen... unless i turn into some crack whore and sleep around with dirty black men for money... ugh.... im sorry, and im ok... i tried but i failed...i love you lacy... youre great for that verbal backhand of yours there!! and all my other lj friends i love you guys too... those i havent even talked to in like months!!! you guys care!!! muah!! and nicole!!!! i love you!!!! muah!!!! ok... goodbye for now... until next time my fans...
yours for now until the end,
amber.... with a bit more optimism to go out and make my life work... thanks you guys...really though...thanks...
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Saturday, October 18th, 2003

Subject:im sorry, but i love you
Time:12:16 pm.
Mood: depressed.
i guess maybe this is for the best... this is only what truly will help me, i hurt so
much inside that living just isnt gonna be possible for me... i see nothing and wish for
nothing... i sit asnd think about all that i am and all that i cant be... ill never be what i
should be, and never be right for anyone... i used to just think that it was my dad who i
couldnt live up to, but its me... its everyone... its this world... this worlds expectations
arent enough for me... they are to much, and i dont and never will measure up to them...
my heart hurt, my head, my body, my soul... every inch of me hurts and its all i have to
feel... i dont want to feel it... i cant anymore... im wmpty inside and all i can do is finish
me off... i love you all... i do... i just wish youcaould understand how i feel... how it is for
me... waking up everyday... having to come to mind each morning that this is amber, tis
is her life, this is who you are... and youre nothing... then i walk into the restroom, and i
keep my head down... trying so hard not to look at myself.... not to see me... and soon i
mess up, like with everything else, catch my eyes in the mirror, and dont see anything i
like, anthing im proud of, anything i want, any kind of person worth this world... so many
people die that shouldve had the chance to become something and live out their time... i
feel bad because im not one of them... i wasnt supposed to be here...im not supposed to
be here.... what good is living if i feel dead inside? can you try for just one second to feel
how i do... right now....the tears run slowly down my cheek and all i feel is this deep
sensation of loss... the loss of myself... i lost myself some time ago... it all covers my
head with darkness, clouds of haze blind me from the living, form my life, and all i wish
right now, all i wish for so long is to be free of this pain... maybe their wont be another
life to live, an after life... i dont want this, i dont need it... please empathise if you cant
understand... just accept my hurt, my pain, my hate, my agaony, my grief, my distrust,

mommy, youre a woman who has been through many sides of life, youve struggled and
keep going... your husban wasnt and still isnt the best of a lover and partner to you, but
you stuck by all you knew for the sake of your girls... and for this i love you with all the
deepest sensation inside me... i love you, and each day i regret how much i hurt you...
how much i made you cry, how many days i made you fear the unknown of me... im
sorry, i guess maybe in a way ive come to realize it was you i always blamed...i always
took out my pain and loss onto you... the fact that i lacked a father, and had my innosence
stolen from me at such a young age...i blamed you because there was no one else to
blame... blaming myself for it, and picking out something... i had a relationship with you,
but i threw it away because i always thought “what good is a mother if i cant even have a
father, may as well take niether then” and it was wrong, ans im sorry, i think about how
we used to watch movies together, and how happy i was being your daughter at the
time...but thats all gone and out... youre my love mom, and ill always love you...i would
take back all the pain and hurt i cause you... i hope you help yourself... i see in you what i
see in me and your mom, the mental part of it all... you did things i couldnt explain nor
understand... the constand change of mind and mood for you was too much at times... and
i hope you get better... take care of the bussiness, and tell all the mothers how i adored
them so...

ariel, youre my sister...i dont remeber the past much, its all kinda blank... but i remember
this one time... a few years ago, you came into the house when no one was here other
than me... and you walked into the room and here i was one my bed with the razor out,
blood everywhere... and i never felt so ashamed... the one thing i wish you had never
seen... i couldnt hold it in and i cried upon your shoulder with so mych hurt seeping out
my bpdy because i love you so much... the only girl in this life i would give anything
for... anything to be you ariel... youre so good, so perfect... there so much inside you that i
see each time you walk into this room, this essence glows from you... i love every piece,
if i only i couldve been better at showing and telling you this... life wouldnt have been the
same with out you... youre my heart, my soul, my dreams... everything i ever wished for
me i saw in you... i hope you make it on through this world on top, i know you will...
youll be the best at everything, like you always have... you show a light that i dont... and
youre my idol in such a way... my most dearest sister... the only one i have... when you
left in eigth grade, i was so hurt to have lost you.... i didnt say it, didnt show it, but it hurt
to lose you... to lose myself- my dreams... everything i wanted to be you did... and im
happy for it... happy for you... that day we went out to eat...i think to rubios... we went
somewhere, i fail to remember but it was one of my happiest days... i only remember
being with you... i only remember you and i, just being together...laughing...sharing
memories...being together with the person i wanted to be... i love you ariel... and i hope i
wasnt too much a dissapointment to you...i always tried to be enough..to top you... but i
couldnt, and i cant...never will be... youre my love... and live your life as though i want
you too... never believe youre not enough, cause you are... you are... i may not have
shown much interest into you, but i tell you this, i watched you every fay, looked at
you....went through your room... looked at you to study you- hoping that i maybe could
replicate youre wonderous ways... youre awesome and beautiful...and everyone including
me saw it... i love you more than i could ever express in words or hugs....

uncle shawn, youre my heart, my friend... youve been the man i saw inside of me... we
share so much,a nd ive always looked up to you... youre the one person in the family i
always could talk to... relate to.... you mean so much to me, i only wish i had gotten to
live closer to you, to share more moments with you... the impact you have on my life is
great, and pleanty... youre beautiful, and each day i think about how youve grown into the
man you are, the successful man youve struggled to become... when i see you i see the
man youve worked so hard to be and it enlightens me to know youre there... youre where
you shouldve been years ago, but youre there now... and i love you uncle shawn...you
hear me, i love you... i hope one day you do get to taste some iguana...lol... you always
made me laugh... you always were a part of me that i saw... so strong, once you were
weak and sad, but you moved on and made it! you made it, and know how much i and
veryone loves you...i hope you have many years ahead of you...and that youll always
move forward... keep on going... it makes you better and stronger and beautiful...i only
wish i couldve known what life was like for you... but i wont and cant ever do that... but
there is a sparkle of hope in you, and you found it, and you took it and worked with it to
grow into theis man of many attrubutes...youre my all... and wish you to be everything
you can be...

erica, youre my cousin, my friend in childhood days... we connected in many ways... i
love you girl.... youve been through so much, and i know it... i always knew it... you
never stop trying erica... you move forward as well... everything bad that faces you move
past them and carry on with your self... you have will power and strength... youre smart,
maybe not as book smart as ariel of even myself, but you are smart in life... you make
good decisions and stand up for what you feel nessecary... youve got the human mentality
to live life fully and kindly... chose a path and take it... go to school, make it work for
you... you can do it... youre one person i know that could always tell me the truth... i trust
you, and i love you... i love you so much erica... i love you...

ebony, well, its not that you and i shared much a communtication, but i knew you wanted
to, and for that it fills me with warmth and love... i knew how much you tried to be a part
of my life and become a close close friend of mine, i shoudlve taken the many offers and
reached out to grab your hand long ago when you always offered it... but i couldnt... to
closed off from you all. i just couldnt do it... im sorry... and i love you... youve gone to so
many lengths and hights... youve excelled my love, youve moved through this life even
when you felt that there wasnt anyone who cared, you still kept on going... youre smart as
like your sister and you and her have something that not most sisters have, i wish my
sister and i couldve shared it... but you make amend with everyone in this
family...whatever hate or boundaries you put up agaist anyone, if there be anyone, break
them down and show them your love... you have so much love inside you ebony, i see it,
so much care for the world inside you, even when you try to hide it or cover it up...i see
the wonderful girl you are, you were, and walways will be... your heart is full of beauty
and love and just pure harmony... never forget your worth...never forget yourself...
remember who you are and how much i love who you are and always will and have

grandma, how mkuch could i say...what words could conjure up the love for you... you
may not have always done the right thing, or may not have done what i deemed right, but
you always loved me... inside your heart...you are the strongest woman i know alive,
grandma, an inspiration to me at that... youre strength was enough for all of us to go on...
you do so much, even when you cant do it, you still try, sometimes pretend to do it just so
we feel better as a whole inside... youve filled me with love and appreciation and youre
all i could ask for in someone close to me... you amy have made me mad or at times sad,
but te thought that you love me, and showed and said it to me as often as you could...
makes me fill up with joy... you fill me up with relief that i am so positive that you love
me, concerned at times...and always did your best to sow it... showing love is what it
should be for everyone...it what humans need in life... to be shown compassion, and you
succeeded in it... you made it possible for me to know what it fel like to be loved wholly
and truely... i might not have made you proud, or done all that you wanted me to do, but
im sorry, i just couldnt. and i love you either way, you keep this in mind, you keep in
mind the woman you are to me, the woman you are to this family, the woman you made
yourself to be, the woman you are to this world...youre patsy... the most amazing woman
i have ever met... and i am so glad to have known you in this life... i love you grandma,
thanks for always being there for me, always...

uncle todd, the man i hold much respect for, i dont know how youre doing now, but i
love you, i remeber times with you as a child... and i cherish each moment you and i and
erica spent together... your fuzz....i love you and who you are and who you cant be... its
hard for grandma to accept that you wont be any more than you can be, and its okay
uncle tood, she means well, she has so much love inside her that she only wishes more of
you, but this is you now... and i love it... always have...always will...i hope you do all you
can to do make this life a bit more liveable for yourself... you deserve better than what
you give yourself... but you are a genious, and i see it, we all see it, alkways have.... i
wish i could jump inside your head be you just for one day... just know all the thoughts
you thinka dnall the things you see... and just know you for a day... just one day know the
man i love. the man who always have loved me, you dont know much about me or my
life, but thats okay, because you love me either way... and this means much to me...

joanne, youre a wonderful woman, i dont know much about your life, the paths youve
walked, the people youve met, the childhood you lived, but what ever it was it have mad
you a beutiful spectacualr lady... you are a true lady... with so much glare and pazaz...
you sparkle with class and wisdom... youve been there for our family for many a years,
even before i came...and that takes much strife, believe me i know...and each one of us
you love and care for... even though its not ofter i see you, know that youve made such an
imprint upon me, and have made me smile many times with your smile... youre beautful
joanne, i love you, and i hope you live the rest of your life knowing just how great of a
lady you are, and always have been, the life you lived i will never know about, but it must
have been a great one will many lessons, for you are full of wisdom and wonderous
things, talking to you and hugging you and awaiting to eat your maccaronni with cheese
has been major highlights in my life, know that youve been apart of it, been apart of my
happiness... i love you...

my friends...

Anthony, i know ive tried to tell you so much, for so long...just what power and hold you
have on me... the only person i know i loved... the one person id give anything to be with,
to hold onto, to make happy.... i wish i could be the woman-man you want, the person
you need in life, the one who fullfilled you with every breath... i wanna be her-him... i
wanna be yours, and i hope you know you were mine... even with time away, and time
apart, you were mine... in my heart...in my thoughts... you lived within my soul and i kept
you there... i love you more than myself, more than my tool, more than my tv, more than
everything i could try to lie about... i love you... i love you with the deepest sensation so
pure and real that i could see and smell it and have it... know that no one, no one anthony
will ever love you like i have... like i do... youre so perfect, flaws yes, but all people have
them, you make up for every wrong you make, and its beautiful, you, youre
beautiful...youre the only person i know i wanted to be with... i may have fallen for few
others, may have found likes and flings... but you, you rested above all else... you hold
the biggest space inside me, and with out you is without me... you make the part of me i
wish i could be and know... my other self that i dont know about...youre him... the man i
ive waited for... the man i always wanted to meet... youre him... my love... i love you
anthony... please be all you can be... strive for the best in life, for you deserve anything
abd everything your pure heart desires... the many memories i have with you are so
treasured and cherished and loved... all i know of you is all i needed to know- to know
that you were it... all i needed in life was to know you... even not having you couldnt add
up to the pure gift of having you in my life...being in your heart... knowing that at one
point i was in your heart, and you once loved me ...even with my doubts... you held onto
my love and it hurt me... yet it filled me with happiness and joy... you, you alone made
this life worth living, made me worth giving a damn... made me smile.... made me feel
more real than i have ever felt before... i know the one purpose i had here in life was to
know you... and knowing you was the best thing, not exaggerating here either, its the best
thing i have come to find yet... i need you in my life... ive needed you ever since i met
you... and anthony, you , you complete me... the empty person ive always been, you filled
me up. only you.... there has only been you... youre my best friend, you are my best
friend, my true love... even though you dont feel the same for me, know that it was felt
for you... and youll feel it one day, and i hope that the person you feel it for feels it back,
because you deserve to feel this happiness, you deserve to feel love anthony... i only wish
you felt it from me... your sexual preference is your choice, and i wasnt enough, i know
this... i knew it from the start... i need you... i love you... love is so special and perfect,
and its you who got it... all the people i liked and mooned over couldnt compare to how
much i truly love you anthony... i always needed someone to like, someone to put interest
in... know that these people were and always have been covers... jesse, chris, mark, mike,
jason, kirs, erick... larry... taurin... they were all covers... because i knew my feelings for
you... back then when we went through what we had gone through, i lost you at some
point, and the only way to get you back was to give in, to say that i didnt feel for you... to
tell myself and everyone else that you werent who i wanted... that inside i lost feeling for
you that way... but it was a lie... the biggest lie ive ever told in my life... and the biggest
lie i have ever kept for so long.... i truly did love you then, wanted to be everything for
you then... but i knew id lose you for ever had i not done that, had i not lied... and the last
thing i could ever live with was to know that i had lost the most important perfect
wonderful beautiful special person ive ever met... to know i had lost you was the worst
pain ever... i would live in pain a thousand times just to have that one night with you
again my dear... that night you came to my house when i returned from jamaica... that
one night where we were free from the world, it was you and i, so alone together... in my
room, on this bed, a perfect circle playing in the back.... your hand holding mine... you
were so peacefull, i was so in love with you... and it was the best memory kept close to
my heart... just being there... never anything sexual between us, so you know that my love
was just based off you, what i see in you, who you are to me and to this world...the
anhtony i needed you to be, wanted you to be... it was you and i, almost as if we were
alone on this earth... and i loved it... you make me happy... being around you now
sometimes hurts because i look into your soul and see the realality of it all... see through
you... that i will always be empty...because without y9u, life is empty... i see you and i
feel my life get cold and lonelier... i see you and then i know for sure that i will never
have the chance to spend the rest of my life with the one person i love most... i may get
married, and be in love, but i know deep down that i would be with someone who doesnt
measure up to you, and for that i cant do... i cant live... i cant live without you...every
second away form you is a second in pain... what do i have to say to get it through to you
how my love rises for you... how my love grows and stays for you...never ending, never
changing... i see into you and see my pain, and it makes me hurt... i wanna be close to
you... wanna wear your shirt once again... wanna be in your house...in your room... within
your blanket...wanna hold onto you one last time... never needed the will to kiss you or
any of the sort, just wanted and needed you.... needed to be engulfed by your presence
once again... you mean the world to me anthony... and i think about how long i had lived
without even knowing who you were, and how i was blessed and graced with the gift of
being alowed to know you, to hold you tight, and to see into your life more than you
would like to even accept... or know... i thank you for the opportunity of being able to be
with you and to have gotten to beable to love someone, something as surreal as you...
there is no word to describe your beauty your purpose your remarkable aura... who you
are is more than anyone else could dream to be.,.. i hope you go on every day know who
you are and how much you deserve... how much life needs you... how much youve graced
mine... i remember that night as clearly as my eyes can see.... and i feel your hand run
down my cheek and outline my face to the beautiful songs behid us... looking into your
eyes just one last time... and my cheek is warmed by your graceful hand... and i close my
eyes and breathe in so deep, just to breathe in the moment, breathe in your essence,
breathe in my own life.. and this is one priceless moment that surpasses every moment
ive lived in this life...ill die knowing you... knowing that you meant so much to me...
knowing that my life was completed by your beauty and grace... you walk this earth, meet
people... pass people by...and i feel so sorry for so many people, all those people that will
never have the chance to be touched by you... never have the chance to see into your
eyes... never get to know you like i do... all the people in this world who will life a whole
life without once being a part of yours.... and i will die better than them because i had the
chance to do this... to touch you, to feel you, to breathe you, to smell you, to love you, to
kow you, to have heard you cry... to have held you in your deepest painful moment... to
laugh with you, to make you laugh... to make you sad... to make you see clearly.... never
will they get to do what ive done, and this thought is dissapointing because its an
experience that i wouldnt trade for the world... youre my soul, and my heart, and my
whole life... youre more to me than the full 15 years i had lived without you... i love you,
my dear... never feel anythingless than you are.... youre sent down from above for a
purpose, and itwas to grace lives with your beauty... ive never known beauty like this
before... and...i....love....truly love.....with all my heat....love..... you.... ill die with you in
thought, in heart, in soul.... and ill die happy with you in body and mind and power....
youll always be mine... you will... youll always be my all.... my perfect dream come
true... my dream as a reality... my power to make it this far...youve made it this possible
to live, and i love you...i love very fucking inch of who you are and who youll be, and all
the memories you have i know about... and am apart of even when i wasnt there... think
of me...think of the beauty you braught forth to me... the gift and love you made and gave
to me... the passions you create by just merely living and breathing this air are special to
me and to everyone... even if they dont know what i do... believe me... i know... believe
me...i do... i see you... i see all of me... i see all i need...i see all i want... i see all i could
ever ask for...i see my hope and desire living inside you... just find it, and feed off what i
give you, what i gave you... feed off the power to survive and to feel beauty, to feel the
beauty you are... i love you.... my heart is yours, my soul is yours... my life is yours... i
give it openly and happily... i- love----you, anthony... love... nambo.... ...my nambo... my
anthony.... smile for me... laugh for me... feel the love i feel right now...as i write
this...fell the love surface and explode within me... because its yours...all yours, you need
it,and i know you do... i....i...love....you!

jennifer, damn... i love you....but i was always weak for you... you hurt me many a times,
but you were one of my most trusted friends... the highest level was placed onto you... a
pure enigma.... prodigy.... you are amazing and great, and this world has you in it, in one
way- needs you in it.... but i found out that if there were a devil on earth it’d been you...
youre so powerful and so strong that its all the traits of satin himself... i am glad to have
found you in life.... glad to have had all those many great times with you.... but i knew
how you felt and what evil things you have inside you.... i love you, and i was a fraid of
you.... but you made me real... you opened my eyes to things i never would have seen
without you...and for this i thank you and worship you in some way.... i hope you leave, i
hope you maay dustin...you need to... itll help you overcome the evil inside yourself, and
youll be better...i love you, and i hope you know what i mean by evil, you are loved by
me, always have been.... your my best friend, my other half... everything in my i wasnt
you were, and everything in you that you werent i was... together making to perfect
human being.... our lives together were strong and meaningful..... and we shared many
times of joy, and even hate... but make amends with yourself and give yourself what you
want... dont be afraid of taking what you deserve... marry that boy and get the hell out of
here.... make it in life....the world needs you.... long from now you will have made such
an impact on this world that people will praise you... you go on and be you, but heal my
friend...heal.... take my hand and hold it tight.... we will go on forever in heart, and make
this life all you can.... make yourself all you are... leave moreno valley, marry him and
take a chance to move away and heal... i love you, and i dont regret or take back anything
between us or what has ever happened all these years.... i love you more than you
know.... i trusted you with everything i had.... you made my empty half whole, and for
this youll always be thanked and praised....

shaun...wow....i liked you once in the 11th grade..you know when i was in the
hospital...all that year it was just you and i...and i loved you so much...i love you now...it
never once evaporated....i always loved youshaun... you have wonderful things inside you
that no one can take, ok? know that no one can take them!!! you hold yourself and be
who you are... be yourself.... be who you are inside...show the world the shaun we all
konw you are... you move on to be a great man one day and we alll know it.... you can
achieve anything your heart desires, just believe...alll you have to do is believe... i believe
in you shaun....and i love you...thankyou for being there... for caring.... for taking my
heart and grasping onto me as so not to let go... youre my friend and my hope...help the
group move ahead...you can do, youre not as weak as you feel... you are strong and
smart... make your life what you wish it to be... ill always hold a space for you in my
heart...i love you shaun.

jenny, my closest friend... my savior... youve done more for me than you know... your
like my “knight in shinning armor”.... youve saved me from torture, at one time i couldnt
bare the be without you... and the fact that i got to know you and hold you while you
cried, laugh with you, made memories with you, drank with you, lived with you in heart
in soul was all i could dream for, you were the greatest time of my life. you were there
for my lowest time... i love you jenny... you are so inspirational and so powerful and so
deep, the things you hold inside you are beautiful... you are beautiful... youre my heart as
well... the only one person i ever felt so close to emotionaly and friendshiply... you were
everything to me... all i had... all i needed...all i wanted in someone- it was you all along
that i needed to be close to... when i lacked, you filled.... you held me in my pain, and for
this youll always be held high, and held up... held deep within my heart, my soul, my
tears... youre my confidant, my hero, my best friend....

joni, well, you know how i feel... you are cruel and heartless, but i love you... i love
everything that makes you, you... always have...even all the flaws you have, i love every
piece... one day youll know just how my love soars for you, but i wish you only could
accept while i was here for you... i love you... i love you... i hope you help yourself and
grow... do what is right, stay away from the drugs and move forward...i wish you had
stayed with matt... he would have made something of your life... made you better... but
you for some reason couldnt give yourself that opportunity, and im sorry for not being
able to have changed of fixed you in some way, but know that i love you... you hurt me
and thats okay because i knew you would...deep down i didnt want to think you could....
but i knew you were capable of it.... but i love you nonetheless. youre joni marie dodson,
amber freemans solitary friend for a year... we shared our pain and hate and hurt and
drugs so openly between us... you have my heart as well...and i will love you for the rest
of this worlds days... there is a woman inside you that you wont let out, one day let her
out and be who you are supposed to be... i truly love you joni... i shared so many
memories with you... that one time we kissed when we were with daniel... it wasnt a gay
thing.... but a mother daughter thing to me... it was us connecting as a whole...and one....
i gave you all i had left to give and i love you for everything you are and were and will
be.... just fix whats wrong now... give yourself the chance to make it in this world....you
and david....i always loved him...and always loved you...i knjow the joni you hid away... i
know you....i know the deepest inner most person inside you joni, and i love it...i love
who you are.... nothing could change it... nothing at all....

trixie, didnt get to be around you long. but i hope to dear god that youll make something
of yourself... be someone great like you are.... you have many talents and i hope youll
find the will power and desire and strength to succeed in this hell hole of life...you owe it
to yourself to make yourself happy... youre a good person, and a great friend of mine...i
love you just the same.... i love the person you can and should be,....to be that person....
be her... dont destroy her...you deserve to be you and to be happy... never tell yourself
you arent worth it.... worth anything...because you are...dont drag yourself down... find
men that will believe in what i say to you now... you are so gorgious and sexy.... youve
lived many walks and paths of life.... now choose one and walk it.... i love you.... i love
you so much...and i adore the girl you are to me...

jason, you, you are so much to me... never think less of yourself...because you arent... you
are beautiful.... i must say that only about 15% of the reason why i liked you was because
of some twisted anthony relation, but know this... know that you made the bulk
yourself...i saw inside you a person that needed help, a person that could help... together
we helped eachother...you are so much to me, even if i wasnt this way to you, just know
that you were to me and that i as welll love you... i love the boy you are and how you act
dress and express yourself, but remember, be true to yourself, i kow it sounds so
“Afternoon special” but its perfectly honest and real... but true to yourslef and show who
you are...show this world the jason you are because its a gift and a treasure they shoudl
have the chance to see and feel...you.... you give the world the greatness that you
are...that i saw in you....the one i liked so much at one pont.... i love you jason...you are a
great fantastic desireable friend...i apreciate all you are to me and all you hid away from
me....i give you my self as a stem to hold you up for the pain youll come by in life many a
year from now, so take it and be the best you are... it all you can be... never feel any less...
youre beautiful like your brother...and i hope one day youll see it...youll see what i see
inside your heart and soul.... a true wonder to the world and to me... i love you... jason...i
love you.... dem j j’s... lol....i love you!

matt, if i only had gotten to know you like jennifer had and had gotten to make such and
impact upon your life like i should have...i wish i couldve know you better and had beeen
much better with you... you were one who could make me laugh though, a true worrier i
would say, youd been put through some shit man, and still came out stronger and better
than those who tore you down... recovering from my heart ache wasnt possible and tough,
but you, you may have fell, and kept it all bungled inside.... but ya know what matt, you
still succed because youre gonna make it, youre gonna be sombody... you will be who
you plan out to be...your dreams are real and possible.... you are one hella smart man,
youve got things in youre head that people in a whole lifetime wont ever learn... keep it
up and never ever thing that you dont deserve what you give yourself... you are cute, well
just flat out geargeous and sxy, one hot ass, and smart, just brilliant, and blunt, or just flat
out an asshole, but a good asshole. at least the things you say are true, sometimes crude
and hurtful, but nonetheless true...and its you that ive always wanted to bond with, and in
a very small way i feel i did... i left you a letter on your computer, i dont know if you ever
got it, i saved it along with all your other things...it was under wordpad or something....
one of those cheap little microsoft things that come with the computer and i just was
telling you how much you mean to me as a person, and as a friend....an i think about all
the years weve known eachother and never once cared enough to befriend one another
until now....well untill i forced my friendship upon you...and you took it, with litle
protest...your my friend, and i love you, i wish the best of luck to you and i know you
dont need it because youll succed in life in ways i cant even explain.... never forget who
you matt...never let a girl like joni blind you from yourself and your path...stay clear of
those who hurt you...they always will hurt you, a second chance is all they get, not thirds
or fourths...keep going and see your life to the end...youre gonna be that rich smart happy
jolly sunofabitch you always talk about...we all know you will... and i am proud to be
called your friend...peoud to know you and to have met you in my life.... i love you just
as well, my friend...

ringo and shawnboy, you guys are great...funny funny people... i hope to god you guys
take matts lead and make something spectacular of yourselves...you both have potential
to one day be fat jolly happy rich smartass men like he will be one day...lol...ha ha ha...
you know what i mean.... i love you guys...i love that i got to meet you and spend the
little bit of time with you that i had gotten to spend...you mean something to me,
obviously if i had the rememberance to include you in this shit... because its not likely ill
include everyone in here, but you two allways come to mind, and always kow how to
make me laugh..... the best friends matt has and so you must be awesome, because matt
doesnt just let anyone be his friend...this i know... youre wonder and cute just the same...
make a living and give yourself the best life you can grab...be all that you can be (no i
dont mean it in an army way either) ha... i love you guys and it was my pleasure being
friends with you....

chris, motion 51.... my angle... you are... well there isnt a word for you.... at one time i
had fallen in love with you...fallen in love with the person who made me smile and feel
so warm inside... sorry i could be that for you, but its okay, you are who you are and youll
be who you make yourself be....try, chric, try to be something.... get out of that hole in
your room and seek out this world and do what you were made to do- save lives... but do
it in a money making fastion...i mean like psyciatry or something of the other....
paramedics or something... you have potentioal and power, learn to accept it and use it to
your best potentioal and strength...i believe in you, always have, and i love you for what
youve done to help me at one point.... i love you chris... i wish that you could awipe away
all the guilt you feel in this life and rid yourself that godaweful pain.... find a solution and
work for it... you need to.... for the better of you....youre the only real live savior and
hearo i know...a hero like superman or batman...you actually save lives...you do.... and its
an act of god and power...courageous is you and its an honor to have known you and been
cose to you... i love you chris, youre my live superman and i love you for it... not many
people get to know someone like superman...but do...and it makes me smile and makes
this time here all extra worth while... i love you...

nkechi, didnt think id miss you did i? i couldnt forget about you even if i tried... you
came into my world one day and i saw you and thought “look at this little bitch everyone
is afraid of, im not going down as easy as they did...” and sure enough we fought till we
both realized were better as friends... why waste such a good person like that and be
angry with them, when we could know them and communicate with them... the woman i
never could see cry or be weak in any way... you are glorious nkechi... and there are
people in this world who will never get the experience i got of being your friend, a close
friend at that, at least i felt like one... going with you to the jazz festable was a truly
happy day for me, i truly would do that a thousands times because i was so happy being
there with you.... i walked by your side like you were some kind of movie star, i just felt
pride within myself because i knew what an honor it was to have been your friend... to
have eaten your rice and chicken...your peanut butter stew.... i love you like no
other....your a lady who always idolized herself in my eyes, someone i would be proud to
be if i were you... youve come from walks of life that none of us will ever have the
chance to take... and so you are spectacular and wonderful and damn sexy sex machine
who know what she wants and just how to get it.... never change or ever ever feel you
cant do something...never let another man hurt you kechi, because hes not half the man
you are, in figure of speech that is.... take pride in who you are and know that no one is
any better than you, and know that you cant always shut people out at times, you might
miss out on someone who is as great as you.... just like those fools at micky d’s who shut
you out... they shut you out and missed out on one inspirational woman, a classy funny,
great lady... they did because they couldnt get past the fact that you took life at its throat
and made it do what you wanted it to do, and this should be a lesson for everyone to
learn... force life to be yours, just as you have... take it, live it, succeed it, and make it
your own....youre my best friend...always were.... you always made me feel good, even
when you were hard and somewhat cold, you were always my bestfriend, i could depend
on you and trust you, look up to you, take your advice... i thank you for being such a
wonderful woman with every reason to be as she is.... youre beutiful and i wish that one
day everyone will have the chance to knpow what i know about you. youve touched my
world in ways i couldnt tell you then, but i can now, and just did... i am full of pride and
happiness and grace from the fact of knowing you and befriending you.... you are kech...
the bitch from mcdonalds, the woman i am friends with.... you mean a lot to me.... i
always knew this, always felt it inside...id step into mcdonalds and be proud of myself
and who i was for just a mere second because when people looked at me they knew, they
know i friends with you and it was the feeling i could ever have, and id never give it up...
never give up the pride i have of being your friend.... i love you wonder woman....

jesse, you, the guy who took it all...ive spent so many nights trying to come up with
reasons why you didnt want me...why you could be so ugly... spent so many days trying to
figure out just what it was that had gone wrong....it wasnt so much that i was angry at
you, moreso that i was angry cause i needed you, i needed you as my cover.... i couldnt
like anthony, i had to be over him because that made it better for everyone else... and you
were the only way to do it.... i was angry that you left me there with those open
feelings...the feelings i made for you to coverthose i felt for him... and it made me so
mad...mad at you- mad at me.... most the issue i had with you i had because of me...i
couldnt bare to lose you too... id lost himj, now i had to lose you.... and i hated you for
it...i did... i held so much hate inside.... but after a year or so of hating it just turned into
something else...something i never saw, until just recently... id been looking for you
recently...i wanted to see you...i dunno why...i just wanted to see you....to say hello and
let you know that i was still around... though im not now... you, you have your morals and
your “godly” ways... what you used as a cover to get rid of me... i resent you... ever
meeting you... ever touching you.... ever kissing you.... i resent to moment you walked
into work for your first day...wearing that blue dickies jacket... you walked into my world
that day and i resent it...because then you left... you left and stole every bit and piece
inside me that i could breathe in... all my hopes...all my dreams.... everything that made
me feel real you took....and i resent you for it... no this isnt a goodbye to make you feel
good about who you are, rather a goodbye to make you feel dispair because you know
what you are who you are and what you can never be, all the lies you protray in life will
all come crashing down...and as advise to you, i say clear your mind and heart and be
truthful... you hurt me, you ruined me more than i was already ruined, now take your life
and fix what youve done.... dont hurt anymore people.... dont ruin anymore lives...youve
destroyed your own....now make it better for you...and speak the truth... “may god be
with you...” ha ha ha... i die knowing just how nothing i was to you.... its sad to know that
even after almost two whole years you still controled my life... and i couldnt break free of
how much you hurt me and tore me apart...you took an already damaged girl and broke
her even more...and i couldnt put her back together...thank you...thankyou for destroying
me, and what i wanted to be...to know i was nothing to you...and never was anything to
begin with is the worst thing ive yet to comprehend.... i hope you forgive me for being the
only person i could be....which is nothing ....

stephanie....im sorry.... there isnt much else i can say to you other than im sorry... i did
things to you that were unnessisary and thought thoughts of you that i shouldnt have....
and said things to you that i never should have said...but when we became close and good
friends was very much appreciated...theres a girl inside you no one knows about, so let
her out and live this life you have... i am sorry and i love you as well... im sorry

nicole, i dont know... i just dont know where you went wrong...who are you what are you
doing...youre the sweet girl i met so long ago....but you put her away...and the only way
youll ever be happy is to be her agian... stop lowering yourself and never do what you did
to me to anyone ever again... to save yourself.... i love you...you were my “girlfriend”
along with anthony, lol, and ill never forget the friendship we shared and made... help
yourself and pull out of that shell you made yourself... your missing out on the better
things life while you so blindly try to find them.... open your eyes and find yourself... i
love you nicole...i love you for being so innocent to this world and so damned gullable to
the people in it... i love you for trying...

i know there are people that i did specifically call out here but it means no less that i
didnt care about them or that i dont love them... its just too much to do... and i dont have
the words to do so... tyler, amber lee, sara loder, daniel spence, greg cowen, greg hatch
even, jayson, larry, mark witford, kyle platt (the best guy friend ive ever had), jed and
joseph, joe manzano, steve from work, even kris mikesell (trixie knows him), and erick
vest (trixie knows him as well- the last guy i ever needed), taurin (even though he lied
and hurt me so... he believed so well that i couldnt do it), and joel (trixie knows him), and
even regina anderson (my neigbor who was my very first friend out here), and terri
holton, and katrina danberger... are there more? yes... but i cant think of them off the top
of my head....but who ever you are i love you...i love all of you... i remember you all, and
i hope just as well for you all to make your lives worth living... dont do as i had...

there are a lot of things i havent said to you guys that i wish i had... crushes on people
that i kept to myself... but you guys made my life just a bit more liveable and
exciting...with out my friends there had been no me... and there wasnt a me... there wasnt
a me to start off with, so i depended upon you all to make me real... sorry for the
burden... i love you guys too much...many times we sahred laughing and smiling without
a care in this world....we laughed and smiled... you are my friends... my happy people...

david and sage, youre too young to remember who i am, but i love you both... special
little guys, handsom little men that i love dearly, even htough sage happened to be a bit to
handle and david a crier...i still love you both, youve got great moms and i hope the best
of life...take care of them you guys...take care of your moms for me...they need you more
than you could ever need them....know it...its true....they wouldnt have made it without
you.... youre their rocks...their loves...their hearts and they will always love you... youre
in my heart...and i give you both my love openly and fully... take care of yourselves and
your mothers... they are both good people who helped me... some what..one way or
another helped me... my sage...my david.... i love you guys...

songs i wished to be played at my funeral...

A Perfect Circle~
1) gravity, thirteenth step
2) the noose, thirteenth step
3) brena, merde norms

1) the patient, lateralus
2) lateralus, lateralus
3) reflection, lateralus

and the ending ceremony should please be held with these songs, these two songs i wan
played as i go, as they were played as i took myself away...

1) 3 libras, mer de norms
2) vanishing, thirteenth step

i want all my friends there... i wanna leave with them there... they are my loves...i want
my family there...i love you as well... dont be mad, or sad... it was best for me... i cant
take it any more.. lifes too long to live with such pain... and it was time for me to go...my
time has ending and i’m happier now that i know i’m gone... that i dont have to be
ashamed of me....that i dont have to cry, i dont have to moarn... i dont have to be me
anymore... i’m happy...for once, i’m happy.

please have these songs played as well as the lyrics given out so that everyone can read
and feel the music like i have... these songs made me strong at some points... they halped
me a great deal, but in the end its i who is capable of helping myself... read these lyrics
and understand them for what i saw... you are all wonderful and these are my last
wishes... i love my music...its all i had that made me... i was my music... play them and
feel who i was... what i felt... what i used as inspiration... my heart leaves my body
happily in harmony with these songs... they mean every thing to me... everything...

None of these songs are of too hard anature... they are mosly soft... the tool song may be
a bit more than of a perfect circle, but nonetheless they are beautiful, and because i doubt
youll all bealbe to interperate the songs as i have i will tell you a brief summary of them

A Perfect Circle~
1) gravity, thirteenth step
this song is a bit forceful and rough in terms of lyric wise... here maynard sings of
the stupidity there is when someone wishes to commit suiside... and i for one used this
song for as long as i could to help me, but i still am who i am... this song is so rightand so
real... the words he states and things he protrays in this song are very dramatic and harsh
and correct....

2) the noose, thirteenth step
this song to me given out to god... to jesus... look at the words carefully and youll
see that he is singing to jesus... and asking for answers of what hell do for the dead...what
jesus will do for me now...

3) brena, merde norms
this is a song that is still a bit of a puzzle cause i have yet to find out just what
brena is, a person i asume, but its a call for help and compassion.... he is screaming out
for nothing more than to be healed....

1) the patient, lateralus
this song is awesome because its showing you that life is tough, and that if there
werent that will power to go on, or that desire to heal then life wouldnt be worth living...
it is teaching you that you have to remind yourself of the desire and hope that all of what
you live for and go through is a possiblility, this song states this in many ways, and is
remarketable at doing so... its helped me for some years now...and i hope it helps
someone else just the same... youve got to be patient and wait for the good to come
because its there...

2) lateralus, lateralus
is about how we humans focus too much on details and the smaller picture of
things, and that we need to open our eyes and see that there is more, there is a bigger
picture... there is more to wish for, more to hope for whats comming in the future, hope
for anything that is... its showing how people only see the black and white... but that
theres more than just the obvious of colors...and to look for them and to just hope...

3) reflection, lateralus
is about how one need to heal themselves be for they “pine away”...before its too
late... that they need to give up on their egos and bad thoughts and work on the better...
before they pine away...

1) 3 libras, mer de norms
the fact that a person, me for instance, spends so much time looking at the beauty
of things and studing and really seeing what there is in someone... but that they
themselves, me, are always looked pasted... never really seen... never really known by

2) vanishing, thirteenth step
i feel this song is like me... vanishing into air... i never felt like i was here... never
really there... and now i’m no longer here...

damn, my mouth is raw... ya know i really fucked up with the speed... i didnt notice just
how much it detireated me until just now.... i mean it really ate up my immune system...
where are those white blood cells?? i hurt you guys, i hurt real bad... all the pain meds
that ive been swallowing has actualy blinded me of the bodily warning signs...like my
mouth....i was feeding it too much of something sour....had to be the boba and nyquil and
sorbet i ate.... and you know how you can feel those warnings when you ve eaten too
much of something sweet and sour? how your toung and things will start to hurt....welll i
could feel anyhting cause i was numb....i kept numbing myself with pills and i woke up
one morning with a cankersore the size of heaven... and now today i just woke up with
cankersores on my tounge and in other places on mygums... whats happening to me...im
miserable.... and everythings okay just so long as i dont feel it right? stupid... my throat
hurts so much... i dreamt about my throat hurting last night.... the first dream ive
remembered in days...weeks... but it was about how i couldnt opporate my voice because
my throat was like knocked out.... it was bad.... and i feel myself leading that way... i
need to sleeep.... i just want one night where i sleep naturally... but i am still heading for
my plan... and its gotta be real soon... i cant take what my body feels anymore... there
must be like bed sores i just cant feel yet...lol... i am listening to apc right now, and its
good... i guess ill do it here in my room.... i wanna spend these next few days with my
friends... i love anhtony so much.... ive got to spend time with him... i cooked for him last
night... it was good... it made me remember why i enjoyed life and why i needed him in
it... just looking at him makes it all worth while...i dont know exactly why...sort of like
when you think youve just seen an angle...and its the most prettiest just beautiful thing
youve ever seen, and you cant take your eyes off of it... thats what its like for me... i see
him and i see beauty....a star you wanted to touch as a child...and youd reach and reach
for it, but you were never close enough.... im neber close enough to him... as much as it
pains me to give up and stop reaching ive got to... its killing me and my soul and my
heart...i hurt... and i dont want to be here.... right now the thought of living it out strikes
up and i contemplate it for a bit.... but i just cant.... ive got to...especially now that my
body is weak as it is.... ive got to take this chance to rid the world.... to rid me of the pain
of being here, being alive... i hate everything about it.... and its time to go...
I Predict 10 Deluding Promises - Join The Prophecy.

Tuesday, October 14th, 2003

Subject:You betta believe it!
Time:11:28 pm.
Mood: creative.
<td bgcolor="#000000">Name/NickName</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA"></td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">Gender</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA"></td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">Sexy Body Part Is</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA">Your Lips</td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">Special Talents Are</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA">Everything (Multi-talented)</td></tr>
What Makes You Sexy? by eva71
Created with quill18's MemeGen!

<td bgcolor="#000000">Name</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA"></td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">Sexuality</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA"></td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">Age</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA"></td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">Most Likely to Say</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA">"Ima fuck you in HALF." </td></tr>
What Are You Most Likely to Utter During Sex by UMAJohnnie
Created with quill18's MemeGen!

<td bgcolor="#000000">lj name</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA"></td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">sex</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA"></td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">age</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA"></td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">your best friend thinks</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA">you'd taste good with ketchup </td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">your customers think</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA">you took advantage of them </td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">strangers think</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA">you're a good ride </td></tr>
what do they really think of you by purple
Created with quill18's MemeGen!

<td bgcolor="#000000">Name:</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA"></td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">Youre famous for:</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA">Having nude photos all over the internet</td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">You get famous:</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA">January 22, 2006</td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">You make $$ per/year:</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA">$425,096,551,906,917</td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">Do people like you?</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA">You're too good! </td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">Dead/Alive:</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA">Tottaly alive! </td></tr>
F A M E by spazyspag
Created with quill18's MemeGen!

<td bgcolor="#000000">Your name</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA"></td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">Your Gay Man Name</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA">Big Sparkle </td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">Your Gay Man Occupation</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA">Drag Queen Superstar </td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">Your Stereotypical Gay Man Trait</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA">Flailing when excited </td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">Your Gay Man Music of Choice</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA">Boy George </td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">Your Gay Man Cause of Death</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA">Hate Crime </td></tr>
If I were a [feminine] gay man... by 38886
Created with quill18's MemeGen!
I Predict 2 Deluding Promises - Join The Prophecy.

Subject:ha! well actualy there really isnt muh to laugh at....
Time:10:31 pm.
Mood: sore.
so, whats been going on everyone? i am miserale... my throat hurts so much... maybe i failed to notice how much it hurted becuase of all the pills i'd been consuming all these couple weeks... wow... ouch... its like almost 6am and i cant sleep.... i went home early to sleep.... and it didnt happen... i didnt finaly sleep till about 1 or 2 am.... then i woke up at 430.... been online since...

nothing really changes, things stay the same... feelings die, feelings rise... i dont know how much longer i have to go... its getting closer to the date and i have to have a job... my mom is a constant reminder of it! ugh! she gets so fat sometimes!!! damn her!

i guess it seems ive made another community war... those people dont seem to like me well... lol... yeah i know, again... i should just stay away... but just when you think people have moved on, they havent... and so i tried to make amends... said my apologies...even left, but still they cant get past it... oh well... they are people right... even i do the same... so i cant very much complain... its just saddening to see it all happen each time with just merely one post...

i started putting things up on my one empty wall... i need push pins, i just have tape and whatnot holding it all up... but its okay for now... somewhat eye catching.... i put the pictures and interview with maynard up... its so good.... and a lot of song lyrics...

im lying around in pain right now... cant sleep... and id rather be dead than feel the pain within my throat... i am gonn stay home till this shit goes away.... no one call me....lol... i cant talk anymore....not until it clears up.... the throat!!!!!!!!!! my one true need in life, my throat.,.the ability to vocalize... to speak my mind... ha, thats what got those people so roused up again.... i got 22 comments on one given post! and thats just one... all together i say there was about 50 angry souls... then they commented on someone elses post who posted about me....lol...im the talk of the tool town... ha! am i this annoying you guys? but what they really hate is this laptop... the fact that its all twacked out and doesnt catch al the keystrokes.... so sometimes my entires look botche, depending on weathe or not i use this trash or use spell check and go over every inch of th grammar... but yet, i still dont seem to find enough will power to do that... im lazy and dont care, as long as it gets out m point im fine... i seem to create an impact upon people more so than i thouht... from the previous experience theres some girl that keeps commenting me, yet i dont remember her... she claims i should...but i dont... in fact it took me three comments by this one guy to even remember him... damn... i dunno what to do... but just stay away from them for a while... the last thing i need or want are people i dont know telling me how obtusely wrong i am... i get it enough from you guys.... anyhow... i think that about sums up my week.... wait... OUCH!!!!!! OUCH OUCH OUCH!!!!!!! UGHHHHHH, OOOOOOOOOOOUCH, MY THROAT!!!! *sharp pains with every swallow of ice cold water* could it be worse? someone buy me some damn pills.... pain killers.... my dad is out of vicodine, i hate to see how they will respond to that when they find out... lol... why does my body have to be so smart and grow immunities? fuck it.... fuck it all to hell...

i talked to chris... i feel weird though... i want my frind back... but not much more... still ify about what happened last time... he really hurt me... wow.... and so i am so stupid i kno....

my head hurts now....

does anybody know!!!!!
da da da da-
does anybody know!!!!!
da da da da-
does..... any....body....know....why we're here?!?!
~mystic spiral (trents band off daria)

jennifer, you damn sure as hell beter have gotten that shit!!!

oh yeah....friendster is livening up...

i should go down to get my things from joni, instead of waiting around for her... cause obviously she doesnt act too fast, she prolly will wait till shehas one of her own to replace it... but who knows... maybe shell be nice... but i doubt that... but i dont want to talk so i cant go today, my throat is far too much in pain...

i talk too much... now i have the hickups (sp).... i feel dirty.... ugh.... uh.... ugh... i need sleep.... ive been eating cream of wheat lately... its been good... im in debt.... i dont wanna be here anymore...
I Predict 3 Deluding Promises - Join The Prophecy.

Friday, October 10th, 2003

Subject:what has life turned into?
Time:10:54 am.
Mood: anxious.
so... now i watch dawsons creek... ugh... i cant stop... i need these peoples live... i wanna know whats gonna happen next... lok at what ive turne into... nothing... i am nothing.... this is so dissapointing... how could life do this to me? turn me into this homebody who starts to cling onto a stupid popular tv series thats so not worth my time, but thres nothing else but it...so i am traped... help!! help me!!!

anyhow, i guess i may be going wih my dad ad sister and fellow block nieghbors fishing tomorrow... but im not too sure i wanna.... but i should... but damn.... i should be getting dressed right now... cause jennifer wants to get outta the house today...she shouldve gotten off work at about 9am... so that means she'll sleep till like 1 or 2 maybe.,.. i think... i'll call her in about an hour or so... and be dresse to leave the home... its time to get out ya know? we need to do something!!! anyhow... i guess erick is all gone... he ran away, and now i am all alone...fuck men... fuck women... i suld just be alone for ever! and stop with people all toether.... but then again.... i'd miss some things... like sex and the occational "money shot" as anthony would put it... youre sick!!! "golden showers".... how come jennifer gets to be married... i wanna get married... right now... RIGHT NOW!

so, whos next on my list o stalk and dream about being in love with? i've gotta find someone to devote interest and time in... i need a job... well, i just want money.... damn it i suck...

ugh... anyhow.... hi sara!!! havent seen you for a while... you done being sick yet? and oh yeah... talked to matt... hes funny... i was right about joni... and ugh... i should call up trixie and make sure shes ok... hope she is... i wanna eat somewhere really good... i wanna meet someone really great... and i wanna fuck smeone really really cute... although that wont happen cause i'm not that slutty... i may be pornographic, but not slutty, the people i choose i really do lik...anyhow... i just need to meet new people... damn it!!! i met some new lj people, well didnt meet them in person... just online- sorta... and this guy from friendstr wants me to call him.... hes hott... but i dunno,i should wait ill my voice comes back clear...

does anyone have any ideas on what i should do next? help me out here!! give me ideas on anything... work, men, fun, friends, ideas.... any kind of advise, or virtues you may have.... now!!! tell me now!!!
I Predict 1 Deluding Promise - Join The Prophecy.

Wednesday, October 8th, 2003

Subject:.... ture aint it?
Time:2:25 am.
Mood: accomplished.
<td bgcolor="#000000">Name/NickName</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA"></td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">Gender</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA"></td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">Sexy Body Part Is</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA">Your Eyes</td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">Special Talents Are</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA">Blow Jobs</td></tr>
What Makes You Sexy? by eva71
Created with quill18's MemeGen!

You are Voldo -

OK...Voldo's just retarded, but he also happens to be the funniest damn video game character EVER!
Your unconventional humor and love for the retarded makes you the perfect Voldo.
Unexplained behavior, interesting clothing, and a wicked sense of humor is what makes you the life
of any party! In the game, Voldo happens to be blind, deaf, and mute. Through your eagerness to
make people laugh, you may hurt people a long the way due to lack of senses. Be careful not to
bash on other wierdos, and you'll be everybody's favorite character.

Which Soul Calibur character are you?

this quiz was made by david park
I Predict 4 Deluding Promises - Join The Prophecy.

Subject:for a touch up....
Time:1:15 am.
Mood: awake.

Black then white are, all I see in my infancy.
Red and yellow then came to be, reaching out to me.
Lets me see.

As below, so above and beyond, I imagine
drawn beyond the lines of reason.
Push the envelope. Watch it bend.

Over thinking, over analyzing separates the body from the mind.
Withering my intuition, missing opportunities and I must
Feed my will to feel my moment drawing way outside the lines.

Black then white are, all I see in my infancy.
red and yellow then came to be, reaching out to me.
lets me see
there is so much more and beckons me
to look thru to these infinite possibilities.
As below, so above and beyond, I imagine
drawn outside the lines of reason.
Push the envelope. Watch it bend.

Over thinking, over analyzing separates the body from the mind.
Withering my intuition leaving opportunities behind.

Feed my will to feel this moment, urging me to cross the line.
Reaching out to embrace the random.
Reaching out to embrace whatever may come.

(I embrace my
desire to 2x)
feel the rhythm, to
feel connected,
enough to step aside and,
weep like a widow, to
feel inspired, to
fathom the power, to
witness the beauty, to
bathe in the fountain, to
swing on the spiral, to
swing on the spiral, to

swing on the spiral of
our divinity and
still be a human

With my feet upon the ground I move myself between the sounds and open wide to suck it in.
I feel it move across my skin.
I'm reaching up and reaching out. I'm reaching for the random or what ever will bewilder me.
what ever will bewilder me.
And following our will and wind we may just go where no one's been.
We'll ride the spiral to the end and may just go where no one's been.
(Spiral out. Keep going. 4x)

damn its been far too long since i made a post... but hey what can i say... so you all wanna know what’s been going on huh? lets see...

well, i am back in the circle again.... i guess you could say that... Jennifer and Anthony and Shaun and the like... its all good... trixie is there... she wants to be... but i put her at a distance because I’m afraid of being hurt... and so i called her up a few days ago to touch base... and i will keep calling to make sure she stays well, i love her and all... Joni still wonders this earth, hum, wonder why? not much to say about her... she will repent her wrongs... and so yeah...

i got shot down by Erick... i thought he was good... but i guess not... i dunno what happened... but hey... maybe it had something to do with joni.... never know!

talked to taurin today... told him some shit i had been hiding from everyone else... i just needed to get it out of my system, but it didn’t go too well...

I’ve been sitting around here for a good long two years... and i haven’t accomplished anything... i am on the look out for a good paying job... but its taking time... shit this sucks...

my parents are fucking my world up again... curfews at 19....damn me...

mars volta kicks ass... and the thirteenth step by apc rocks better than ever!! i am in love!!! just so in love!!!

so, suicide lingers onto my thoughts and things are so fucked over i cant even see straight... think straight... everything is twirling down into this pit of shame... like this:

My compassion is broken now.
My will is eroded now,
and my desire is broken now
and it makes me feel ugly.
I'm on my knees and burning.
My piss and moans are the fuel that,
set my head on fire.
So smell my soul is burning.
I'm broken, looking up to see the enemy.
And I have swallowed the poison you feed me...
but I survive on it, and it leaves me
guilt, fed,
hatred fed,
weakness fed..
and it makes me feel ugly.
On my knees and burning.
My piss and moans are the fuel that
set my head on fire.
I'm dead inside!

(Shit adds up 3x)
Shit adds up at the bottom...

-Henry Rollins: If I let you, you would make me destroy myself. But in order to survive you, I must first survive myself. I can sink no further and I cannot forgive you. There's no choice but to confront you, to engage you, to erase you. I've gone to great lengths to expand my threshold of pain. I will use my mistakes against you. There's no other choice. Shameless now. Nameless now. Nothing now. No one now. But my soul must be iron cause my fear is naked. I'm naked and fearless.-
And my fear is naked!

(Dead inside. 4x)
Needless now,
shameless now,
nothing now,
no one now.
(Shit adds up 4x)
You see me naked now,
fearless now,
naked now,
fearless now.
You see... shit adds up.
Shit adds, shit adds, shit adds up.
It leaves me (dead inside 3x),
dead, inside!

Hatred keeps me alive,
ugliness keeps me alive,
weakness keeps me alive,
guilt keeps me alive
at the bottom!

you see? understand this? any how, those two songs are both from tool, if anyone hadn’t known... i miss erick... i really do... been talking to matt and the sort... Chris is around... hi! he gave me a compliment, wow... that’s right everyone, chris motion 51, the asshole, paid me a compliment... i am so damned touched! thank you so much, it meant a lot to hear you say such a thing to me, i had missed him... he acted as if things were the same as before, although i'm not too sure if that’s right or not... i dunno... but hey he's a good friend and all...

last night I had this whole deal with my father and nasty issues… my life is turning out for the worst of the worst… as if things weren’t hard enough for me… now I’ve got to deal with the fact that I’ll never be enough- no matter what extremes I put myself through… you see- when I was extra fat no one wanted me- I was repulsive and horrid… I lost some weight and only found guys who A.) were gay and had some type of “I’m in denial” issues, B.) named Jesse and Jehovah’s witness about- who purposely go around screwing people over for the simple fact that they don’t have a life of their own to screw up, C.) are named chris/kris- both forms actually found- who decide it would be cool to conjure up affection and then take it back after they got what they could of my feelings, and D.) a boy named Erick who- well- obviously just doesn’t care much at all and confused the fuck outta me. Actually I lost a little weight and found A, B, and chris from C… then I fell to all extremes and did all possible to drop weight so I could be better for people… reaching an ultimate 70lbs in 3 months time by inducing and indulging myself with speed and starving myself and forming bulimic habits as so to do it…. I lost so much weight- and still all that came across was Kris of C and then D… god damn.

What the fuck is wrong with me? I cant change… right? isn’t that the catch here? That I’ll always be this nasty piece of trash… never good enough for you bastards? I cant be good enough for family, so I search out side- only to be lied to and hurt… I hate it- do you know how long I’ve hated who I am- who I was- who I’ll be??? Hate! I mean totally hate!!!

But this will all go away soon- I’ll go away… I’d been planning my escape for so long… but now I’ve finally gotten so much collected hurt, pain, and pure sadness built in that I’ve borne enough strength to do it… now all it takes is perfect timing… so I wont be found… I cant have anyone “finding me in the knick of time” to save me… I don’t want to be here- I cant do it… I’ve mutilated my legs now… each thigh looking like my arms now… why should I care? This only proves that there isn’t any hope for me… I’m not doing speed- so I get hooked on drinking up pills and cutting myself again- only like never before… vicodine and Tylenol- about 5 pills each, every time I drink them down… which is then taken all damn day… needed at night… I cant sleep anymore… the pain keeps my up all night.. Plus I take any and all allergy pills found around the home- regardless if they are expired… then my legs are sliced up… only I don’t have any new razors, only these old rusty ones with cracked corners… so instead of wide fleshy wombs I have 100s of small bunched up painful ones. And it was because I hadn’t cut in so long that it actually created something of a form of pain… and the pain was like good to me… it felt good… it was like the refreshing taste of ice cold water down my aching throat- it tasted so good… and it was this happiness and continuous craving that pushed me over the edge… the mere fact that the pain felt so good… like the comfort of a warm blanket on a cold winters night… or relief from scratching a bug bite… just so soothing. You had broken the news to me, and I had to cut again… and it hit me- I am mentally deranged, destroyed, and battered… I am literally driving myself INSANE … I have lost so much fucking weight, and I still am shut down and rejected by people… even when I input so much meaning… and its when I give into them that they leave… sex means something to me, and now- its not going to… slut is what I should be for the remainder of my stay here on this horrid place… which wont be much longer now… I promise you this… and I have blades to thank… soon I will purchase new ones, or at least steal some… quite soon… ah- yes… the ripping of flesh to numb the tearing of the heart--- what gets better than this???

Just know that you meant something to me… that I called you last night pouring my eyes out- the eyes you once stared so deeply into… and with a burning ache of pain surrounding me- engulfing my very soul… I had only you to call… I tried for my last time to talk first, rather than cut first… but you couldn’t even call me back- but I am not mad--- I wouldn’t have called me either… I know I mean nothing to you… thank you for allowing me to see into your eyes, for only that short time…

Shutting my eyes and picking up the blade,


And I guess that’s all I can come up with… its all kinds of 2am and I cant sleep…I’ve taken 13 pills so far… 4 of which are vicodine, and still the sleep doesn’t happen… well I am gonna go donate plasma tomorrow morning with Anthony… $55... Yep, I’ve got a coupon!!! Yeah… this is gonna be good… I want $55 for doing absolutely nothing!!! And I guess I’ll go into my room and lay in the dark until my eyes give up and close and my mind surrenders to the exhaust it feels deep inside… good night to you all…
I Predict 2 Deluding Promises - Join The Prophecy.

Monday, September 1st, 2003

Subject:wow... how'd this bitch know this shit? god damn....lol...lmao!
Time:12:32 am.
Mood: awake.

Livejournal Mood Ring

is distressed.

If it's not one thing, it's another. Your life is a pitiful wreck, and it's all you ever write about. Why don't you at least make up a happy story for once. Your friends would appreciate that.

brought to you by interim32. wanna know your livejournal's mood ring
color? enter your username and hit the button.

and maybe if it mattered to me i would... ha... and actualy maybe not... yeah... the stalker shit started up again you guys... the OCD kicked back in like mad crazy... ugh... ha... damn i love me... and yet hate so much more....
I Predict 1 Deluding Promise - Join The Prophecy.

Subject:boo ya....
Time:12:24 am.
Mood: amused.
<td bgcolor="#000000">Name</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA"></td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">Sexuality</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA"></td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">Age</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA"></td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">Most Likely to Say</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA">"Ima fuck you in HALF." </td></tr>
What Are You Most Likely to Utter During Sex by UMAJohnnie
Created with quill18's MemeGen!
Join The Prophecy.

Sunday, August 31st, 2003

Subject:damn shit... fuck the typos...the laptop is being straight up "boombastic"
Time:1:12 am.
Mood: blank.
been some time...

anthony and sara and shaun stopped on b the other week... i was so excited... hadnt seen them in days man! it was cool, but damn... still people had to make me feel nasty either way... i dunno... anthony, this person ive got so much history with, is still considered the love of my life, always will be... why does he have to beso nasty about shit? damn, as if for one second he couldnt just not find some way to amke me sad... hum... but then, that wouldnt make anthony would it? i mean its allthose things that i love most about him... i miss him... i miss the sleepovrs... and all the talks... laughs... cards... hugs... tears... friendshp... even love...

shaun, made my day baby!! i got a comment from him... just when i feel lowest he comes up outtano where to tell me he missed me... i miss him as well... i miss my buddy!! high school buds!! locker mates!!! i love him!! i saw his photo on friendster and he looks so fucking hott!!! all standing there...serious..."n'stuuuufff".......... lmao!! yeah, thats m ghetto babe... still every time i hear missy i think about my asian boy... missing you too love...

ha... jennifer... i think about her every now and then.... tink about our many jokes... and then... yeah...

tixie is back! good lord!! lol...

so i met this guy... ricky... a couple of weeks ago... he is so just mmmmm... perfect for me... and if anyone knew him, they would all agree with me on how erfect he is... hott... a toollover... been to tool concerts... loves NIN.... sexy... funny.... virgo... 21... air force reserve.... smart... drives truck... mexican... but the only thing is, he has a girlfriend... for about a year an four monts... ouch.... big ouch... this hurts... damn... and just when i tought i might break free from depression, i slip een further into it... i dont feel much like a person, i mean in general... not muhto look forward to... and eah... i am actually begining to learn to hate a person again... i havent hated anyone in a long long time now, but damn... with each day, the hate inside me grows deeper and stronger... yeah, it feels like jesse all over again.... only worse- i a way... actuall a big way....

anyhow, been meeting all these new people.... almost went to a club... but i stayed home and cut the hell outta myself instead... it just seemed like the thing to do... right? isnt that what is wanted and expected of me? hum... fuck it... yeah... the chance for some shrooms is comingup... for free too!! i get everything for free these days, ad i dont have to be a slut about it to get it too... unlike someone i know all too fucking well... well, time to go to sleep, they want me to do grandmas house thngs tomorrow... but yeah, you kno how i hate that... i prolly will just refuse... id much rathe spend the day with ricky and the fucking gang... yeh i know and am "down" with about 42 new people... and th funny thing is, they all ove me... and are all there to back me up...lol... at least i like to think they are...lol... yeah... its cool knowing people who have felonys nd misdeminors... and people who drive fucking tight ass cars and fucking know the "hook-ups" with every thing you could possibly think of... i mean from the gas station to auto zone to walmart... they all know someone who works somewhere who can get it extra cheep...lol...sounds a little like us back then, only it was mcdonalds, and we were nasty...
I Predict 1 Deluding Promise - Join The Prophecy.

Thursday, August 28th, 2003

Time:12:28 pm.
Mood: crazy.
<td bgcolor="#000000">lj name</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA"></td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">sex</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA"></td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">age</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA"></td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">your best friend thinks</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA">if they ignore you you'll go </td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">your family think</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA">you look like the milkman </td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">strangers think</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA">you're lickable </td></tr>
what do they really think of you by purple
Created with quill18's MemeGen!

its been days hasnt it? who cares... alright... i think i'll go... whatever... the wall is on... at this guys house- ricky... hes way cool... with joel.. and uh... yeah... i miss trixie... shes been gone for a few days.. oh well... life... whats that?? i seriously dont know anymore..... but hell, i dont think i ever did!
I Predict 1 Deluding Promise - Join The Prophecy.

Sunday, August 3rd, 2003

Subject:Ta Da... look who is slow now?
Time:7:46 pm.
Mood: depressed.
well, i guess i did it.... i did it... ya know there is nothing in my life right now that i feel worth living for... not one damned thing... someone left me a comment.... not name though...wonder why... but it sounds much like jennifer, although i thought she'd be much too busy to be worrying about me these days... but who ever... just know, dependency goes where? and who? huh? well, life drags itself down... and i dont feel like living anymore... i really dont... i saw anthony, felt sooooo fucking stupid.... i couldnt help but to run to see him... hug him... i miss my love so much, but things arent the same anymore, they wont ever be... i wont ever be... taurin... well... we know id end up being nasty sooner or later... i dont blaime him for hating me... i hate myself... and now that i'm sitting here on my bed, i think i'll go collect some razors and "make it all better"... its been months sence its all happened... and i still havent fully gathered my broken pieces back up... how weak is that? and its like i really need people to lie to me and tell me they care, i really do at times... and then i hate that i say this and feel this way... theres nothing i wouldnt give right now to just fall down and die... take away the air i need, and just be somewhere else but here... god... what ever happened to those days when i knew i had things to live for? i cant drive any more... the IRS is looking for me... and i still keep seeing anthonys face in my head... his mere expression that kills me... the smiles i missed... and person i loved... the peple i need... but hey, cant win em all huh? how many nights do i have to cry?
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Tuesday, July 29th, 2003

Subject:here i am.... just staring at you.... and at times, i know you see straight through me... why?
Time:4:20 am.
Mood: awake.
so like yeah... here I am once again... later on in the week... ha... its been some time huh? Well, update:

so ugh, yeah... heres my baby taurin... and like yeah he's so good... ya know its been a while... almost a month on the 11th of August... hopefully it'll last... i've got good feelings it will! and much much hope and desire for it to continue. so he came down here on Saturday... he met the folks and shit ya know? well as it turns out, my father more than loves this boy.... and you know how unnaturally off that is! he never is like this!! wait get this... he filled up taurins gas tank!!!! damn you guys!!!! is that weird or what???!????!!!!!!!??!?!!!??!!!? yeah i was shocked and shit! seriously!! but its so good.... my father took me off to the side to stress that i better no mess this up!!! lmao!!!! he was threatening me that i better not screw this up with taurin, and that he more than definitely likes this boy and that he wants him for me, and that he seems real good for me, and that i better take my dads advise so i will be doing the right thing by keeping taurin... lol ha ha ha ha!!!! i was just like "oh?" lol... ya know i was just so confused and stunned that my father took this guy to be very serious and he really likes him!!! its a good feeling though!! ya know? and my mother just as well likes him all kinds of much... she took us out to the movies too!

Yeah, we saw 28 days later... hum... well, it was british...soooo....yeah.... lol.... Well, ok it was okay... there were some parts that really scared the fuck outta me, but ya know how I am... but it was interesting, I think different concepts could've been used in it, but eh.... Whatever ya know? but it was cool...

Yeah, during taurins stay we did... well... yeah you know...we....ugh...uh huh.... Yeah.... It was soooo gooooood.....lol.... god damn you guys.... How does he know how to move body all good like this!!???!!!??!!!!!!??!?!!! yeah its quite great! the best!!! Just believe me... the best! I enjoy things like never before... and like ahhh..... just mmmmmm.....

but ugh, i noticed him and i had a bit of some tension... but i figure its only normal... he does do some little things that bother me, but they are just pet peeves ya know... noting to get all excited over and leave him for...just things that can be looked past cause he's much more than just that ya know? But he makes me feel so special!! I love him you guys..... I really do....and I wanna do all I can to keep him around...

but as for other news, i currently don't "really" have a license... yeah they put that shit on hold cause i didn't pay my bill.... yeah.... so i have to come up with $300 right quick in order to clear my DMV record... this mean my license is on hold... and i yeah.... how sad... and i got another notice from the IRS.... i owe like 104 now, instead of the 103 from last month...lol... but they want this money in ten days or else they are gonna put me on some kind of list of theirs... meaning ill be like eligible for jail i guess... just like my ticket... i gotta be careful not to get pulled over for anything right now, until i pay this fine cause i will be arrested here!!!! lol.... i am not really supposed to be driving i suppose.,... but yeah my folks don't know about it yet...they'll kill me... but it was an honest mistake as to why i missed the payment!!! i swear!! i paid the same bill twice.... on accident.... i just paid it again... made extra payments... and the people down at the court house didn't even care!!! they really!! ugh...this pisses me off so fucking much!!! oh well.... i need some work... but i think I'll be working it up with my Mom ant home... and then shell continue to pay insurance and car note and for me to go to school full time... working from about 7 till 11 Mondays till Fridays... and get about fifty bucks a week... which is great ya know!!???!??!!!!

so Joni came by today... she loves me... and i love her... i missed her... but its a bit awkward ya know... it'll take time... but its understandable... i don't think i'll be back the way it was then.... i mean a lot has been torn down and burned and tossed away... but we will make it and be fine... taurin was supportive, despite all he really feels...and i thank him the most cause i really need him to be okay with things ya know... i mean just okay with things and decisions and choices i make...i need his support and love so much... he's my friend, my companion... my love... and is there for me now... and hopefully will always be there... i want a life with him.... i want it so bad... he may be a bit physical and sexual extensively at times... but its alright... he's just a little focused on sex at times, which can seem bothersome to me at times... cause you all know i care more about being with that person... cuddling and holding ya know....talking.... not even kissing... just being by each other and talking is the best thing to me... and i know he knows this, he says he agrees, but damn you guy.... i don't want another Larry incident here!! i mean i wanna do things with him but just not all the time ya know, especially when i wanna bond with him and conversationalize with him... and at times its just almost in a way uncontrollable.... but love him regardless, i mean don't get me wrong i enjoy every moment him and i spend while we sex it up, but i just prefer to be a bit more focused on the mental side of the relationship... i mean i want sex... don't get me wrong... but i also want the other stuff, just about 3/4ths more ya know??? well, he knows how i feel, and hopefully it'll all work out ya know... well... until next time... yea i ran outta my hours on net zero, so Joni let me use her name to do updates and mail things... but uh yeah... i love you all... and yeah... i am trying... I'm not the happiest person, but he helping me to achieve it... yes he truly is... muah taurin... i love you baby!!! my applekins.... yes my applekins (i know you hate it, but i cant help it!!! lol)
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Tuesday, July 22nd, 2003

Subject:wha wha whatttttt!!!????!!!!????!!!!!????
Time:8:44 am.
Mood: amused.
oh my god you guys!! I finally saw the whole damn video with john Cruz, from our school!!!! he really dances the whole entire video!!! he gets down!!! yeah!!! I love him!!! lol!!!! lmao!!! he is just great now!! he has on these glasses... and he has his hair kinda all fro like! but he just break dances throughout the whole thing, cause they know he can dance!!! lol.... damn this is cool.... just knowing that I know someone who is doing shit... well, anyway, did anyone else happen to catch it? I know Kyle and jed and them would like to know about it, unless they already caught it... what about you Sara... catch it yet!?!
I Predict 1 Deluding Promise - Join The Prophecy.

Subject:the update man...
Time:8:42 am.
Mood: loved.
damn, last week I lost track of time... I didn't know the day or date! sitting in my room extra hot and lethargic really mentally fucked up my sense of time... Saturday rolled around and I went down to see my love... yes, my love... Taurin Robinson... extra great!! yeah, we hung out on Saturday... watched ghost ship... ha!! well, he mostly watched it... I was a bit busy doing something else... then towards the end he was a bit busy something else as well... *wink*.... so like Sunday comes up... and of course I spent the night again!! and he took me on this picnic thing in this LA park... although it wasn't at all ghetto trashy like most of LA, in fact it was quite the opposite! we went to this drum and bass/live band show/concert held for free at this park... we packed a lunch and some blankets and we set off to the park... he listened to the bands and shit play... real cool... then he had to "show off" of course and go do his "dancing"... yeah he can dance!! really good too! and he was being video taped by some bitch up on the stage filming it all! he was so cute!! I stayed laying up on our blanket of course! it was so nice and cool out side... underneath this huge green tree... I fell asleep beside him in the cool breeze and the soft vibration from the bass of the relaxing up beat music they had provided for us there! his arms around me... the warmth of his skin next to mine... it was so exciting! we ate our food... and talked and kissed... and uh... yeah... a little more than that too... then while I was sleeping some guys come on by and start up convos with taurin... I wake up to a group of people shaking my hand...lol... yeah so we make some pretty cool friends... there was this chick... she was funny... and then "shrooms", this one mexican guy, he was so fucking funny, and just stupid too!! lol, yeah shrooms... he goes "tagging"... part of D2D... and TAC... and some other random configuration of "gang" abbreviations... the chick did "tagging" too... she too was mexican... lol... they may have been rather off, but they were full of random liquor they shared with us, and they had stories up the dying yang about parties, drugs, and "da clubs" lol... real LA gang members...lol...lmao!!! damn I love myself... we got their number, as well as they got ours, and we're gonna hang with em sometime... hopefully getting to try some shrooms (not the guy but the actual substance)!!! although I know taurin would rather me not do any drugs, cause he is so straight with things and clean!! I love him so much you guys, not that anyone could care more or less, but yes, finally theres someone in my life... considering the fact he last person there was happened to be Larry, and before that jesse... so yeah, this is quite important!! he is really against the usage of drugs when it comes to the addiction part of it... so I guess he wont mind the fact of me trying things once... considering the fact he'll be right there with me... giving my light shows and massages... ahh... I wanna do shrooms so fucking bad!! just at least once!! lol.. I sound like a drugie... lol...ugh... anyway! there is some rave on the 26th that those people will be at, and it would be cool to go, but I don't know how much it'll cost, and plus I need to be drug free for at least two weeks in case I have to do drug test things to get a job! lol... yeah, so there hasn't been any speed usage for about a week and a half now... part on part cause I have no money, and plus because my love would prefer me not to use it... he loves me, and I believe him, I need to believe him, a relationship can't last if there isn't trust... so I trust in him, and rather me not indulge in drugs like that, so I wont... but I must say... after like two months of approximate continuous usage of the speed, I find my self wanting to use some every now and then... but I'm okay, I mean I was never addicted to it... I just find that every couple of days I find that I wouldn't mind using some... and that I miss Joni, cause she was the one I'd do it with... lol... I found myself missing her a lot these past few days, but oh well, cant dwell on her disappearance... taurin hates the idea of me missing her and at times wanting to call her cause she hurt me really bad, and hurt him as well... so it makes him angry that I could still want her around and in my life after the fall out... but hey what can I say... I am utterly weak... but oh well...
so like Jason comes over today... huh?? yeah whats all that about? but he came.... I opened my door half dressed and was so surprised.... I got some pants on and opened my door... and gave him hugs of hugs!! yes... just hugs of hugs... I felt my eyes beginning to tear up... and couldn't let him go... but he was a bit shocked as well... maybe...so I caught myself and let him go... he came and happened to have his friend with him, this Chris guy... he was gay... sorta almost flaming gay, but really sweet and quite nice... but seeing Jason made my day a bit more interesting... then he tells me about andy and the fall out of him and jennifer... I laughed... and want to talk to andy so much... but hey... I doubt I will... I doubt he would want to talk to me anyhow... but anyway... Jason left to eat with his friend... and as he left, I for some odd reason felt sorta sad about what happened to us... but hey, it happens to me and everyone... and so I talked to my love and he cheered me up as usual... hopefully he'll be down here this weekend... I would love to tell him "I'll introduce you to all my friends" but obviously since I fail to keep and obtain any of those, I cant. so it'll be him and I... which is just fine with me!! he entertains me by far... and he is such a good friend... I find in him what I found in all my old friends... I found a friendship, with commonalities... him and I are too much a like... and yet different in so many ways... its beautiful... he holds a place inside me that I put him in, and want I want him in always!! for the first time, this is something I walked into that I wanted and got... I didn't want jesse at first, then I just took him and slowly began to want him... Larry I got but took outta wrong reasons, and couldn't stand to hurt him anymore, so I gave him away... this is something I wanted... that I worked to get... and got!! and he, for a change, wanted me too! and now we have each other...love!! love!!! there is love!!!! love fills the air we share and breathe in!! love is what we create when passions flare up and boil!!!
speaking of passions... yeah before I left on suday evening... yeah... ohhhhhhh yeaaaaaaaaaah!!!! I have never been fucked like that before in my life!!! I may not have had sex like jenny of Joni, but god damn!!! I finally have a story to tell people about that could just make them envious of my good experience!! damn you guys!! damn damn damn!!! it was sooo goooood!!! where did he learn things like that... I have a new favorite position!! yes!! we do positions!!! many... and on Sunday, there was this one... that had me screaming with tears of goodness!! yes!!! yes!!! mmmhhummmmhmmmm.........lmao!!! no!!! I cant tell you the amount of feeling I had running through my veins!!! yes...it was so pornographic! it was so good I like passed out about three minutes after he pulled out and rubbed in all his good warmth on my back... I really did... I just fell out and went to sleep... he had to wake me up... in fact thinking about the pleasure he soaked me in makes me so ready to do it again!! *smiles~winks* yeah... and to think I never wanted to fuck anyone... well damn... his extra huge dick and his extra good (I mean excellent) skills make him just that much more wonderful! I love my boyfriend, hes more than just that though, hes my friend... maybe my only friend, but hes mine... all mine... and wether or not anyone else cares, I have him there for me right now... right now when no one else wants to be... and that's ok... my whole life has been this way... and I can only live to accept it and move on... and hes here to move right along with me... I cherish all he gives me, all he feels for me, and all he is willing to do for me... I love him... I love him not because hes there for me when no one else is, but because he is a person, whose seen deep inside me... learns about me... and in some small way worships my love for him... and so I give it... and he accepts it... this is the third person I've ever loved... Anthony, jesse, and now taurin... and I am so filled with satisfaction with him in my heart... now I only have to work on full filling the other aspects in my life...
I might be deciding on going away to culinary academy soon... I will have to take out loans to do so.. but I need to get my career together... but if so this will mean I'll be gone of this shit hole of place that my friends had made it to be, or should I say I've made it to be, right? anyway, I just need to move and start over... going away to school could be for the better... I'd be starting what I should've started last year, rather than stop because of similar down falls from the same people now... anyhow... I don't quite know yet, but I am hoping for the best... I wanna move on... grow, and excel.... I wanna be with taurin, and I wanna some day, have a life full of success, but I'll only get it when I leave the place and things and the people who bring me down... or should I say I bring myself down, right? anyhow, that's about it... I love taurin, had good sex, and miss some friends... until next time...
I Predict 4 Deluding Promises - Join The Prophecy.

Tuesday, July 15th, 2003

Time:9:09 am.
Mood: anxious.
A Perfect Circle
Is Coming Out With A Second Album
On September 16th!!!

I am so excited... I could piss my pants right now.... just thinking about this makes me leap around for joy!! They are coming out for my BIRTHDAY! Its all for me! Ha! Me! Yes! Me! Just Me! All For Me!
I Predict 3 Deluding Promises - Join The Prophecy.

Subject:so like
Time:8:53 am.
Mood: apathetic.
i spend some time and redid journal things... it ooks great... soon it'll have a new background going on... thanks to my love Taurin sweetie!!! *muah* thanx love!!

so, i talked to anthony last night... dah menz... yea, its been a while... its been a long while...

joni wrote something to me i guess... i remember saying to her "just as long as you know this is your decision".... now its that when i wanted to work it out she coudnt find anything in her to see it through, but now that i've given her the "space" (which took a day~lol) she claims its I who turns the other cheek... loving her deeply, i just dont think i can do this... its not fair to me... not fair to her... she meant so much to me, but it took her five seconds to feel the need to end things so quickly, without the care to even consider listenin to me... that there shows little care towards me... to our friendship... to my heart...

if she wants to talk, she knows where i live...

i've had a lot of time by myself, thinking and thinking about the meaning of things... and still i come out with the most negative answers...swell huh?
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Subject:oh my fucking god!!!
Time:8:32 am.
Mood: crazy.
so i got up this morning, and went down stairs to get something to eat... got a bowl of cereal... yeah i know... it was some cherrios.... and then i sliced up some strawberries in it... when i returned to my room, i turned the channel, ad to my surprise MTV had some Christina Agiulera and Lil Kim on... it was sooooo tashy.... but then as i am critiqing the horror of "girl power", Johnny from our school fliped out up on the god damned sreen!!!

can you believe this??!!!???!!!???

i know you all know who i am talking about!!! johnny was the white/mexican boy with the curly hair at canyon!!! the one who did all of the Micheal Jackson dancing all 4 years at thoseshitty assemblys they forced us to attend!!! yes!!! i know you know!!!! i dont know his last name... hold on let me go see!! i know you know him!!! i heard a long time ago that he was gonna be in that bitches music video, but i thought people were just talking... and there he was... all cue as always... dressed in his Micheal Jackson "outfit"...ya know red jacet an what not... i thnk one year in canyon he did a whole skit thing at an assembly!!! come on!!! please... anyone!!! leave me a comment if you know who i am talking about!!!! watch MTV just so you can see what i am talking abot.... i am so amazed... he was such a nice guy in school.... i had him in clases, but i never thought he'd do anything with himself.. well hes not doing much now, but this is pretty big... i feel like a star...lol...yes everyone.... moreno valley is hitting the maps.. we are all abl to be proud to know him...

damn i cant find my year book to find out his last name!! but when i do... i'll notify you...

so like go find this video... he is all up lookin like Micheal Jackson... ya know its ike red jacket some black pants... and like yah... you'll know when you see him!!! damn damn damn!!!

Note: the last few statements were solely for entertainment us, there hols no truth to them... strictly sarcasim!
I Predict 4 Deluding Promises - Join The Prophecy.

Monday, July 14th, 2003

Subject:My Weekend Away...
Time:1:42 am.
Mood: touched.
So what happens now? just when I think all is forever gone... and no one cares... no one likes me... no one wants me... no one needs me... no one sees me... this guy, this wonderful guy comes in and enlightens me all up. he is new to my world... new to me... new to all of me... he doesn't know my parents.. he doesn't know any of my old friends... he doesn't know much about my past... he doesn't know everything about who I am. yet, he knows all so well... I sit there and talk to him for hours... beyond hours... filling him up with knowledge of me. he seems to like it. he begins to see who I am... maybe just a little bit... but still it's much of me. he wants to see more than anyone else in this world... so I find it in him... and he finds it all in me... we find it together... by just hours of talking... bonding... sharing... trusting... caring... we find it...

then it hits me and stares me in the face...

afraid I am... scared I will remain... fearful I'll be... he is beautiful... when I first met him I was mistaken... not really seeing him for all he is... only seeing a figure, someone as a counter part of jonis world... but now... talking to him on the phone... day after day... night after night... becoming more curious of him... discovering lots about him... unraveling the beauty within... I go this weekend to see him once again... Friday night till Sunday night... I stay with him...
~the moment I arrive, the knock on the door, his pondering eyes are behind the door, the turn of the knob, the face I'd once seen before became much more... everything. This person, this person who was taking time to learn me, was standing at the door, looking out at me... and this is when I knew he was right for me...~
sometimes, like jenny said to me, its what's solely inside that makes a person beautiful or ugly... and his demeanor is all I want, and all that I think I need right now in that aspect of my life. I was quite thrown off the first time I saw him... not thinking of him as anything other than a guy after joni... but now I see him, I stare into his eyes... hold onto the lining of his face, and see all the beauty there is inside of him... see all the goodness held within, see this person I have began to fall in love with... yes, I guess its quite early, but yes, this is what I feel.... I haven't felt this strongly about someone in a long time!! I haven't dreamt of someone this spectacular in days!! I haven't had this much satisfaction and feeling for someone in such a while... and you know what? he feels just the same for me... all of this, finally returned to me...

only thing is... will it ever end? I wish it never would... I say it wont and try to keep from it, incidentally theres that typical shattered ending to all things... although, with much hope and faith in this, I can actually say I am being quite positive here... much more than any other time... I hope this will work... I hope people understand... I hope this makes sense... I hope I'm not wrong... so falling in love here... could this be? is it even possible? maybe... I think so...

Damn he can fuck the hell outta me with his extra long penis... Talk about some deep penetrating shit man...
I Predict 3 Deluding Promises - Join The Prophecy.

Tuesday, July 8th, 2003

Subject:you couldnt possibly understand
Time:10:49 pm.
Mood: aggravated.

When the blood flows
Tears are dry
The pain shows
It's the way I cry
My mind is a flock of crows
As black as a lie

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Subject:oooh.... i wonder who screwed me over now!!!
Time:10:15 pm.
Mood: pleased.
It took some time to realize all the bullshit in my eyes until i got away from you, and then i guess you thought that you'd be cool and make me look like i'm the one the fool. well i dont care cause you're the one to blame. i cant believe it all comes down to this. a penny for your thoughts would make me sick and anything less would be a crime. told me, told you... shut up! well everything is not ok, tomorrows another day, i'll find my perfect way out, and then i guess you thought that you'd be smooth and make me look like i'm another fool. well i dont care cause i dont believe anything you say or do!! just like me i cut my losses to save face. i've found my perfect space to crawl back inside of myself and then i guess you tried to make me be everything you wanted me to be. well look up from the ground and see whos laughing last, i do what it takes to pull me through, no thanks to anything that you could do!!! i'll never trust again!!! ~Drowning Pool, Told You So

friends, yeah... thats right... no more of those

dum dee dum da dum... so it's over and i'm completly done
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Sunday, July 6th, 2003

Subject:Ha... this is so good....
Time:2:59 am.
Gangsta Bitch!
You're Gangsta Bitch Barbie. You're tough and you
like it rough, and of course you like to pop a
cap in any wiggers ass.

If You Were A Barbie, Which Messed Up Version Would You Be?
brought to you by Quizilla
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Time:2:46 am.
why do i let it continue? all fucking lies....damn it....just all lies
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Friday, July 4th, 2003

Subject:FUCK MAN UGH!!!
Time:1:35 pm.
Mood: pissed off.
so yeah it wasnt that they had cut off aol... it was that someone took my screen name... yeah just changed passwords and took things from me.... who ever it was fuck you...

anyhow, yes jennifer, i guess i am an unemployed whore... but crack huh? nope... just speed... and addicted?? nope... not addicted... in fact youd be suprized how NOT so often i choose not to... but regaurdless i do it, and frankly dont give a fuck... like you do anyway...

why are you commenting on me anyhow? i know you dont read my shit... my bad... oh well... so anyhow, nice going huh? eh, i shouldnt bother... but yeah... so aol will be cut off on the 12th... ha...heh...eh...damn it all
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Wednesday, July 2nd, 2003

Subject:life takes another turn off the cliff...
Time:1:01 pm.
god damn, i woke up this morning, and i no longer have an AOL account... it seems my mother took the fun and canceled out our account!! i am on jonis screen name! (please dont be mad joni love, i promise it will only be for like five minutes, fust so i can update for like the last time in who knows how long...) yeah... life sucks, and i will be going off to hawthorne again..,. for who knows how long... ha! so the bitch cut off AOL because she "couldnt afford it", she is lying she cant afford 20 dollarsa month huh? please... you all know shes lying!!! ugh.... she wants to be fat thats all!! she is just a big fat ugly fat big nasty fat big fat bitch!!! yes, did i mention shes fat?? and yeah, shes fat... so like i dont have AOL, i dont have email... i dont have anything... so then i called him up in hawthorn and talked to him long distance for an hour... and i will continue this... in fact i am gonna call random people in other states all kinds of long distance just to fuck with her bill, then we'll see who cant afford what.... fat bitch...

so amber is no longer employed.... yep thats right... no job... this means ownt be driving soon... and of course this means amber will be gettingalll ugy in about five minutes. so like, my dad put passwords ont he other computer, and wont let me on it. i have to make a new resume, but how can i when i dont have a computer, i can fill out applications online (which most places want you to do) because there is no AOL!!!! fuck me, yeah... but this i'll just go see him again... and he can fuck thehell outta me again...yes... this we will do... he said he missed me... ha!! damn am i good or what??!!!!?!?!?!?! yes...so like yeah, i love this guy! but like uh... too bad no one knows...
I Predict 14 Deluding Promises - Join The Prophecy.

Tuesday, July 1st, 2003

Subject:Slutator in full throttle...
Time:5:17 pm.
Mood: satisfied.
so, i just go back from a long endless trafficful drive from hawthorne... hum.... what a night!! this guy, this great guy... all kinds of fun and excitement, feeling and pleasure...

but somehow, i still dont feel quite good about life... not that i expected it would help that much, but he does bring a smile to my face... should anyone care? no i didnt think so...

fuck this shit right here, god man, where is my friend? hm, prolly not even thinking about me... so shut up huh? you want me to shut up? well, why dont you kiss my fucking ass, leave me the fuck alone, you already left me, why continue it out?? may as well erase me fom all you know to be real... it would finish off the damage you've already done...
I Predict 5 Deluding Promises - Join The Prophecy.

Monday, June 30th, 2003

Subject:starting from the ending of the start
Time:8:15 pm.
just erase me....

just forget me...

just block me out...

forget all we were, all we had, all we could've been..

my mind already has...

my heart never will

bleeding to know if i'm still alive

i cut my flesh to watch the crimson tears run, hoping that they'd tell me i still cared about myself... i guess i dont care at all...
Join The Prophecy.

Saturday, June 28th, 2003

Subject:needing... needing it? needing this? needing you? needing the lost...
Time:8:21 pm.
Mood: indifferent.
saturday... feeling so low... so damn low...

oop, was i being too drepressed for you? oh darn let me fix it all right now to make you feel that i am feeling better when in turn it makes me feel worse...

and now, this... feeling bad... really bad... he says this... to me... he says:

-(wants be trash with you) {note: refering to trash can smilies on aol}
-no no no
-if u feel like trash
-or look like trash
-i want to feel like u do
-talk to you later Trashy Toast

~i want to feel like you do... thus refered to what i had said early before...

this make me cry... it brings tears to my eyes... and most would think i always cry... always with reason my dears... always with full rightful reason...

he is making me feel better... should i accept it... yeah i thought youd say that
Join The Prophecy.

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